This might be long but its not meant for everyone. Through writing you can see the real environment of your mind. Ive been writing my thoughts down for the past 3 months but I decided to actually buy a journal to dedicate more time to finding out what is truly going on in this crazy mind of mine. Today my journal entry consisted of love and choices. Well it more so started of with the lack there of I felt growing up and where I am today. As a woman they say your first love is your dad. But what if your father was present but chose not to be a presence. Like he was there everyday growing up but you know nothing about him. Ok yes for me, I know his outwardly appearance and the sound of his voice but that father daughter connection I see in movies, tv and even with some of my friends....ummmm, I know him not. Honestly, its not like I didnt know or had to figure it out. It was said and repeatedly confirmed through actions. But being a literal person even at a young age, I had chosen to accept it. I mean come on, the evil you know is better than the evil you dont know, right?...Right??.....RIGHT?? Well, I honestly thought so. I told everyone I accepted it and even joked about it. I even bamboozled myself for years to believe I accepted it but heres my reflection....what other choice would one have if they never experienced anything else. I, Charisse Monique Skeete, unbeknownst to the terms and conditions at a young age accepted to NEVER experience how a man can truly adore your beauty and soul. Negated the ability to see magic through his eyes at how amazing it felt that he could play a part in creating, loving and protecting something as priceless as you. Never to have that awkward conversation about the birds and bees and how the honey should stay in the jar until the right pooh bear comes along. And to NEVER experience that unconditional moment of love he has for you as he hands you off to someone he thinks can come close to loving you as much as he does. :( Wait, seriously....I accepted that?? Yeah in retrospect I think I got duped :) But heres where being a literal person trips me up. I respect my father ironically because it was a choice that HE made and he let me know that that was HIS CHOICE. There was no back and forth or guessing. It was what it was. He didnt do it to be cruel or say I wasnt priceless or good enough but HE CHOOSE to continue living his life they way he felt comfortable. Ok yes it is still messed up and as Ive gotten older, Ive come to terms that that through his choices Ive missed out on a lot of self discoveries that he played a major part in. As much as I cherish the feeling of love, I was very numb to it as well. If you have the choice of loving me today, you also have the choice of not loving me tomorrow. Some people label this as DADDY ISSUES. But whatever you call it, I do think if he had chosen to be a dad to me and my siblings, we would be different people. Healing is process of life, so as I let go of most of my past and what it would have been like or felt like, I have become a tougher, stronger, and more independent person. To love yourself despite the choices made by others is truly a blessing and I do thank my dad for that experience because now I honestly choose to love freely. (Not easy by the way but thats MY CHOICE and Im sticking to it) Side note- Being a parent isnt for everyone. It requires a selfless love that puts another person before yourself. But it doesnt require you to lose yourself but be more of yourself. A lot of people cant do this because we are a society of such extremes. Balance is described as harmonious arrangements of parts or elements within a whole. All things works best when its in balance. I think being a parent is an innate characteristic as well as a choice. We should choose to take and accept the role and all its responsibilities and still be who we are created to be. Now thats truly dynamic. Children process and understand more than you know. 9 out of 10 times, they watch your actions more than they listen to your words. I know I did.
Posted on: Sun, 04 Jan 2015 18:18:44 +0000
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