This might sound odd coming from me but stick with me and youll see my point. In the book of Matthew Chapter 19 vs 4-6 Christ says “Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female. And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” I know it is familiar to you as we have all heard parts of it every time we went to a wedding. It is told in Genesis and the Book of Mark also. The piece I focused on is where you become one flesh. Not one mind obviously as Chrissy was always willing to let me know where my thinking was off from hers and I would change accordingly. I think that you’d have to agree though when you tear one piece of flesh from another it never comes away clean. There is a hole left behind and although I hope it is healing in me personally, at times I feel nothing except the hole. Those days are the hardest to cope with and the lack of focus I experience is worse than at any other time. I still try to get through the day and work to accomplish things in the job and at home but it seems kind of useless at times. Staying busy helps but at the end of the day you can only do so much. So today it is 6 months since Chrissy, the love of my life was sundered from me. Half of a year has gone by in a blink it feels like. I thought to myself that 6 months would be a milestone and that all of a sudden my life would get better but it hasn’t. Maybe it will happen in time but as far as I can see there is no real hope of that. I still don’t believe it is part of a grand plan and I honestly don’t know what to think or say anymore. I feel like my ability to focus has been greatly reduced by the loss and I find myself stopping in the middle of things and just thinking. There are times when anger takes me and I want to lash out at any and all for things that are not worth the effort normally, then there are other times when loneliness is all I feel. These times are the hardest for me to cope with. To be able to come home and see her or talk to her would be a treasure beyond compare. I can always call someone but I know the ability she had to understand what I was trying to say without effort isn’t there with any other person. I’m moving again partly because the house I am in now has too small a yard and partly because I need to start clean where everything doesn’t remind me of Chrissy. Not that I am trying to forget her but the house I am in now was bought with her and she painted it and decorated it and lived in it all last summer. Every time I look around I see her influence and it is hard to not stop and lose myself. I would have to say that happens way too much and it causes me no end of trouble when I forget to pay my bills or delay them because I lost focus for a few minutes that I was going to use to catch up. So I will move to a new house and she will go with me and her pictures will be on the wall but it will be a new beginning kind of. The house closes today on the 6 month anniversary of her passing not that it was planned that way but it just came together. It seems kind of strange if you ask me. Other than that Im getting by and I know Ill make it through I just wish I didnt have to.
Posted on: Fri, 28 Mar 2014 14:03:05 +0000
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