This was found in our mailbox today.... There was a time, quite a long time ago that I do remember when I was happy. I felt like I was a part of my real family, you know, blood relatives. Then, I met the person who would one day be my spouse. Little did I know just everything my spouse would do to show me how much they didnt love me. Before I married my ex, we were fighting and arguing constantly. The thought of losing my unborn child to them though is what kept me with them. After our child was born I enlisted in the military hoping that the extra income would make things better for us. Where we live and what I made at my job, the military pay was far better. I was wrong in that thinking though. More then once my ex was arrested for abusing me. Both times they were given a slap on the wrist and allowed to go. A few years later, I went off to Iraq leaving my ex (whom I was still married to) with both of our children. When I got home, nearly every penny I earned had been spent. We were doing fine without the extra pay so how it all quickly vanished while I was gone is beyond me. Somehow we managed to save up though over the next month to take a trip to visit our families. Unfortunately, we had to drive to save money vs flying and renting a vehicle. A couple of years later, the military finally had enough and separated us. I was left with the children and they now live miles away and hardly see the children, let alone speak to them. Ive moved closer to my family hoping it would help me. I didnt know at the time that I had PTSD from both the war and from the abuse. Sure, my family helps me....financially. Mentally, emotionally Im nothing more then a toll on my family. I try to talk to them and they tell me to go away. Both of my parents claim that the abuse from my ex was my fault. That it takes two to tango and that if my ex was abusing me, I mustve done something to deserve it, even if it was just yelling at them. I dont deny throwing insults out at my ex but it was when we fought and they would put me down for being nothing more then a worthless soldier. I would in turn put them down for having a degree from college that they never even bothered to use....EVER! With the holidays coming close I thought that Id be spending them with my family. Instead, as it has always been, it will be my children and I only. Im not asking for anyone to invite me to join them because thats not what I want. Ive gotten used to it being just my children and I and watching them get gifts in the mail to open later with no one to thank except on the phone. You see, my family refuses to accept that I have PTSD. The abuse, that was my fault and the war, I asked for it when I enlisted. To them, my PTSD is fake even though I see a therapist on a weekly basis who keeps telling me she wants to get me on medications and bring more people onto my team to help me out. And yet when one of my family members gets into a car accident, from which he walked away injury free, his PTSD is suddenly real and mine is still just in my head. Im not sending this to ask for help. I wont do anything to harm myself. Ive gotten used to being alone with just my children. My bed has been empty for over 3 years now and my home silent after my children are asleep other then the dog barking or my television on. Ive gotten used to the suicidal thoughts that never seem to end and wishing I could end it all tomorrow but refuse to because I dont want my children growing up without me. Ive gotten used to curling up in a ball and crying when I feel I have no one to turn to. Ive gotten used to feeling alone. No, this is a cry to others to fix things with your family while you can. Stop pretending that the PTSD isnt real and blaming them for how they got PTSD. Stop thinking that they enjoy being alone and fighting with you because reality of it is, it sucks. For myself and my family, I feel as if its too late, that we are beyond repair. After all, I come from a family where once you cross that line, its YOU who must make things better with them, not them who will ever make things better with you. Ive gotten insulted by them and seen messages intended for others in my family with the insults sent to me and then they claim it was an accident. Yeah...how you send an insult to the wrong person is an accident is beyond me. I can see sending the message to the wrong person being an accident but not the wording itself. Sincerely, Anonymous
Posted on: Sun, 24 Nov 2013 05:30:57 +0000
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