This was written by my sister-in-law, Gail. She is a pillar of strength and an incredible testament to our Gods sustaining power. Her husband, my husbands brother, passed away a year ago this past Aprl. Taylor, their 28 yr. old son, has the same cancer that took his dad. My very first Facebook post. The question I see every time is Whats on your mind? So, what IS on my mind? My most predominant thought is: Im going to watch my son die. Just like Kim. Just like Barbara, my sister. I dont know ho...w to sort through such thoughts, and I certainly dont know how to process all the feelings! Yesterday we found out that 2 new tumors are now growing on Taylors liver, in addition to the very large tumor that encompasses a good half of his liver already. Hes also got 2 new lesions in lung and lymph to add to the current lesions in both areas. For the first time his liver function shows compromise; he continues to bleed and the pain has increased in his lower-middle back where the tumors are concentrated. I used to tell the callers on the Hopeline, a ministry I worked in, that we shouldnt count on our feelings to help or guide us through lifes heartaches and struggles because feelings change with circumstances. And feelings arent based on truth or fact, but only our perception of truth and fact. I believe that, I really do. But when it comes to your husband, your child and the reality of pain, suffering and death, truth can take a backseat to the constant beating of a breaking heart. I tell myself that God is good, that He has a plan for each of us and that nothing that comes to us will not come unless its for our good. I tell myself that cancer is only a circumstance and we are called to rejoice and thank Him in all circumstances. I tell myself that death on earth means life, TRUE life, in heaven. I tell myself all these things and much more. And I believe them with my whole heart....at least the parts that arent crushed under a world of sorrow. I didnt want to lose Kim. I so dont want to lose Taylor! We can say that God doesnt take our loved ones from us, He only brings them home to Him. But the reality of my feelings say Oh, but He IS taking them from me! I look back on past years of financial struggle and Taylors addiction and think, what I wouldnt do to have those years back - those struggles were nothing compared to now! Funny how what seemed so horribly difficult can appear so minor and pale in significance when death is at your door. So....whats on my mind? My overloaded, overwrought, feeble, weak mind. Whats in my burdened and aching heart? Jesus. My Savior, my Shelter from this seemingly never-ending storm. My Strong Tower of Refuge. My Healer. My Deliverer. My Rock, My Strength, My Song in the long nights of trouble. My Hope. My Blessed Assurance. I drew a line 2 years ago that I refuse to turn from: I told God that even if He took both Kim and Taylor that I would NOT turn from him. I didnt really think Hed take Kim, and certainly I couldnt even comprehend Him taking Taylor. Regardless of what I feel, I know Hes my only Answer. Without Him I simply cant exist. Thats it.
Posted on: Sun, 27 Jul 2014 18:20:13 +0000
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