This weekend was very long and emotional for me. Each year my boys choose a theme and dress up for halloween. This year there was such a huge void. Then on Saturday we celebrated Brantley and Ashtons birthdays with a Minecraft theme, using the ideas and decorations that Baley and I had planned for his birthday this year. To say that planning this party was painful is an understatement. Finally, we ended the weekend with All Saints Day where we remembered those from the church that passed away this year. Ashton and Brantley each sang with their choirs, and Ashton played chimes with the chime choir during service. Though I loved watching them, it was difficult to see Ashton sullen faced and almost in tears as he sang. What I didnt need after barely holding it together all weekend was to be told I need to pull myself together, be a stronger Christian and move past my grief. To once again be told how fortunate I am to have my other boys and to be told yet again that I need to focus on my boys. Missing my son is not a lack of faith. It does not make me any less of a Christian to suffer. Jesus himself wept when he heard that Lazarus had died. Jesus, the Son of God, capable of raising Lazarus from the dead, didnt walk directly to Lazarus and raise him, he first wept. In my weakness, I am drawn closer to God. How many times do you find yourself praying less when things are going well? In my grief, I pray without ceasing. I do not blame God, nor do I have anger towards Him. God gave me Baley and I am thankful for every second that I had with him. Of course I wish that I could have had more time with him but that was not Gods plan. Zig Ziglar said it best when he said If there were no love, thered be no grief.. I loved my son with every fiber of my being and I mourn him in the same way. In the nearly 7 months since Baley passed, I have yet to have one single day to myself. I havent had one day where I could stay in bed and cry, I havent had one day where I didnt have to put the needs of my boys ahead of my own. I couldnt possibly focus on them more. Grief is not just emotional, it is physical as well. My body is exhausted and yet I still have to get up every single day and care for 5 kids, get through their schoolwork, take care of the cleaning, and the laundry all while dragging around in a wore out shell of a body. Im doing the best I can and could do without all of the criticism. I have no time for myself and no time to begin to progress through my grief, so it is very hurtful when people tell me that I just need to move past my grief. I will never move past my grief. There will never be a single day that goes by where I dont think of Baley and miss him. I thought about him every day of the 9 months when he was growing inside of me, I cared for him every day of the 14 years he was here on earth. You dont miss your children less the longer they are away, you miss them more. I will continue to spend each day focused on my other boys just as I always have and I will continue to long for the day that I will one day be reunited with Baley. My family is no longer complete, so for the rest of my life here on earth, I look at it as being one day closer to dying, one day closer to holding my son again. That is the reality of life after losing a child.
Posted on: Mon, 03 Nov 2014 22:27:23 +0000
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