Thoughts From The Back Of The Classroom: Reubens, Vegans, and Modern Art ... If I leave New York without learning anything, I know I will have at least learned one thing... New York deli guys are the quickest in the entire world. You order a Reuben. You turn to get a Snapple. Your turn around, bam. Theres your sandwich--on toasted bread. Its unbelievable. Its art. I have no words to describe it, so I guess Ill just...forgetaboutit. So...Im walking to the Modern Art Museum a big, fat, greasy sandwich in my hand. I go and stand in line. No fret, no worry. Im minding my own. Suddenly like bees from a pompous beehive I get surrounded by young frazzled-haired professors, and Anne Hathaway vegan followers who decide to wait in line with me. No big deal. They glance at my pudgy fingers, as they soak into the greasy bread of my sandwich masterpiece. Then came the looks. A glance here. A glance there. And before I know it Im standing there in my NY Jets hoodie, feeling like a diabetic Kevin James. I eat the sandwich. And wipe my greasy fingers on my pants--another glance. I gather my things, and buy my ticket. I head optimistically to the top floor. Ill work my way down. I see Starry Night. Its Van Gogh. Its art. Its the reason I came. But, I thought I should check out some other stuff, maybe Ill learn something. Thus is my descent: I see Picasso: Its art. Its not great for me. But its art. I get it. I see Warhol: I put my ear buds in, turn on Lou Reed and Im in it. ... I see a green canvas: Thats it. Just green. I think to myself, if you gave me an hour and trip to Lowes, I could do that. But, whatever the shading might be something special, it might be some rare green that he extracted from purely four leaf clovers, I dont know!? Yeah, okay its art. Then... I see a blank canvas: I know for a fact I can do this. Give me twenty dollars and a fifteen minute trip to Michaels crafts. Bam. Im an artist. I see a balloon: Yeah. A balloon. Thats it. I could have blown it up between taking bights of my sandwich on the way here! Bam. Im an artist. I continue my descent, I see some pictures, I see some paintings. Hipsters and professors float around me as I get casted further and further out into the artistic expression sea. I get tired. My feet get heavy, like a child whos been in the grocery store too long. I start to head out, and I notice a group of people. Staring, and scratching their chins in deep thought at something on display. (...You know how sometimes you make stuff up, to exaggerate a point. This is not one of those times.) I shuffle my way through the crowd. I try to squeeze past the cameras and the chatter...and I see it. Theyre staring at a Slinky! On a solid white table sat and plain, original, two-dollar Slinky! Yes, like the Slinky that you get at Christmas! Yes, like the Slinky I have on my desk! I give laugh and Im quickly given the stink eye by the intellectuals. I grab a slice pizza and walk out. I gave it try. Modern Art. And I did learn something... Sometimes there are things I just wont be able to understand. And sometimes, its just bullshit. Eh. Forgetaboutit.
Posted on: Sat, 15 Feb 2014 02:53:45 +0000
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