To my facebook friends, It wasn’t until the last several weeks where I have been certain that I wanted to leave this existence. Today I wish you farewell. Don’t look for me at my home address – I won’t be there and do not wish to be interrupted. It is not my way to write such letters in a “cry for help” – I don’t need or want your help, and solicit only your attention to acknowledge my departure and that it was by my design and no accident. I have felt more and more disconnected from you and this world, and this explains my silence for the better part of the past three years, when the departure of someone very close to me left me permanently and profoundly changed, with neither the ability nor the desire to continue onward. In this time, I tried to distract myself, to do what I could when I could, but I never had the ability to focus enough to work as much as I once could, or continue on to earn my doctorate as I once desired. From 2010 onward, I just haven’t been the same person. I blame no one. I bless everyone, and say that I see a far better future in death than in the world that has crippled me emotionally and spiritually. Be happy for me, as I am going to a better place. I return to the Light of the Universe, and will soon possess all the secrets of Time and History; a man with my love of study and background can achieve no greater treasure. It wasn’t to be for a child of eleven, innocent and unknowing. It is not to be for me, a man halting his life short of forty years, having the beauty he envisioned with childlike eyes replaced with the filth of this world, visited upon me by the prejudice and victimization of my own family. I was once an outgoing and ever-trusting person; my experiences have left me extremely introverted and shy; this aggravated by constant bullying that began in grade school, and intensified in middle school. All I ever wanted was to be allowed to be myself. If I was a naturally happy child, my experiences at my middle and high schools ruined this forever – my parents always asked why this happiness went away. This is what bullying, belittlement, and being cast aside do to a person of any age. Being laughed at daily in school by strangers and family alike (including my brother and cousin); being shown no desire by anyone to understand me; being for this want of understanding falsely accused, shunned, mentally tortured, violated, and repressed – how I wished somebody could break through and see me for who I really was! Perhaps even worse than daily school social torture was the fact that my parents blamed me for it – saying that I was different and needed to act more in line with others. My mother’s gaslighting made me ashamed of myself and confused. In confusion intense frustration grew inside of me, and when I expressed this it was labeled “drama” and other belittling terms. Intellectual self-defense was labeled as argumentativeness, individuality as eccentricity, mental illness as accusation. I tried to be a friend wherever I possibly could; the harm I have incurred from many people at an early hour in my life has left me ill-suited for friendship or romance. Where I have fallen short, I wish I could tell you how sorry I am. From my parents I have learned to trust no one, to depend upon no one, and to feel guilty in those rare moments when somebody lends a hand. I cannot stand another moment of being alienate from my entire family, and being considered by them as an afterthought at best. I simply cannot live through another holiday season where my family celebrates the mercies of divine providence but shows me no mercy themselves. I can’t stand being a recluse but too frightened to be around anyone. For all the pills, the therapies, and other applications of psychiatric medicine, I find myself hopelessly stuck, unable to feel anything or affect any positive change. I am truly sorry that it has to be this way. I trust to Divine mercy; may it shield you from all sorrow. Into this mercy do I today commend my mortal soul; Good-bye STEVEN D. FENRICH
Posted on: Tue, 19 Nov 2013 20:37:53 +0000
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