To say we were mentally, spiritually and physically exhausted last night would be an understatement. I remember almost falling asleep in the truck last night on the way home from a fundraiser we attended, and thinking yes, this will be a good night after all. If I am this tired now then when its later, sleeping should be a breeze. WHY DO I WHAMMY MYSELF?????????? I cannot believe how exhausted a person can be and still sleep eludes them. I did get 5 hours tho when I finally gave in!. NOW WHAT? I spent so much energy and tears on facing our First of Year of Firsts. It was wonderful to see most of our family and many friends come out to share in Corries birthday celebration, but emotionally BRUTAL. I tried to hold on to it I truly did but I knew when the day began with the balloon mix-up it was going to be hard not cry. I ordered my balloons for Corries grave and release on Tuesday of last week. I told Gerbes (Eastland) that I needed them early Sat. morning. They said no problem (first tip off in my ACD life NO PROBLEM? Grab you butt cheeks cuz you know I am in for a bumpy ride!) I get there at 7:30 a.m. and was told that someone already paid and picked them up for me. Here comes that nasty panic attack....I said who did because I NEED THEM BACK NOW. 26 of the balloons are not for the birthday party. Can we deliver them to your house NOOOOOO YOU CANT. I need them now so my husband and I can place them on our babys grave. Here is where it gets ugly...as in ugly cry right in the produce section.....what is it about Gerbes that makes me break down?!! They began to blow up more balloons for me and while doing this, the man that picked up the balloons called and said he was returning them because his order for an anniversary party was actually in the Gerbes West store.....insert more ugly crying here. Eastland Gerbes was very nice and understanding to me, thank you. Ronny and I, as Corries mama and daddy, left to go to visit our babys grave with 26 helium filled balloons. Rip, Rip Rip Rip....the sound of pieces of my heart being torn off. How do I explain what it is like to see dried dirt without any grass yet, blanketing my daughters body? Only to have a little marker right now with her name and picture as the only ID that this is where we laid her body to rest. I cant explain it, because once again, I do not know the words in any language that describes this pain. So I ask again NOW WHAT? Is this the way we will live from now on.....marking our calendar around our Year of Firsts? What happens in the 2nd year? NOW WHAT? Rate my day on how it is by the amount of crying I do, or how I react to something or someone that reminds me of Corrie. Is it then a good day if I only cry in reaction to this, or as a bad day if I collapse to the floor again and sob? Do we even have a choice on any of this? I think the thing right now that is scaring me the most is the flashbacks I am having. It has happened 3 times now while I am driving the first time it happened, I remembered the drive up the hospital road to Capital Region Hospital, I really think somewhere, this mommy knew then that my daughter had died, but to acknowledge something that horrible just couldnt be done at that time. I knew this wasnt going to be a good thing dealing with this flashback so I pulled over on the side of the highway and sure enough A TIDAL WAVE OF memories came crashing down on me. I barely had enough time to get the car in park before I began crying. HOWEVER, the last two times I had no warning, I just saw our daughter in the ER room, without on shred of dignity shown to this remarkable young lady. I saw her blood every where, I heard the words your daughter is dead, I heard loud yelling and wailing only to realize that was me on the floor of the hospital bargaining with God, if he would make her breathe again I would do anything He wanted me to do without questions asked. So one more thing to add to LIFEMARE - horrifying replay of the night our baby died. GREAT. I pray I can always get to the side of the road in time because I can barely catch my breath, much less drive. Yesterday, was so wonderful to see all those balloons rise up in the air towards our Corrie. Belle, I hope you liked the messages all your residents had us write on the balloons to you. You wiped Jefferson City out of Helium baby girl. I had to laugh about this because I will admit I was thinking we were all that and then some to wipe a town out of gas....God certainly has a way of humbling me, my sister Nancy Cleary informed me that helium is hard to get and many stores/florists can only get so much of it......so maybe that wasnt such an amazing feat after all, but we sure put on a balloon show Baby Girl!! Night time seems to be the most exhausting time for us, and when our souls are the most vulnerable. I dont know if it from trying to hold it together in front of people all day and sometimes not succeeding that causes you to be so tired and weepy. Even Ronnie said last night his whole body ached with fatigue. He looks so tired and lost, sometimes all I can do is just hold that big ol hand and hug him. Saying goodnight to Ms. Pink Star always drives home the painful reality that Corrie has died and we wont see her ever again on this Earth. We went out for breakfast after church this morning. Brian and Elena met us and Puddin was in the best mood. Smiling at everyone, laughing, but it wasnt until her daddy gave her small pieces of pancake (Dont worry Emily, there was no syrup or butter on it!!) and I watched her eat those little pieces of fried batter with so much joy. Joy that her little fingers picked the pieces up off the table, a different look of joy when the transfer from hand to mouth was actually successful and she would just grin at us, her excitement of drinking water out of a cup and then literally shake from anticipation of another drink. Something so small as a tiny piece of batter could make this adorable soul share her joy. So if you make pancakes for your family, or you make a cake or any type of batter, my challenge is to pray for all of the little ones, that they share their joy everywhere especially if there is a mommy and daddy around whose hearts are mourning the loss of their own baby. Pray these little souls will always share their toothless grins, drooling chins, shiny eyes and pancake pieces with everyone. God bless, LET GO LET GOD, Dimes, pink skies & stars, mismatched socks, magic rocks. lost crockpots, wet puppy dog smells, Quiet time and Unicorns.
Posted on: Sun, 03 Aug 2014 17:01:07 +0000
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