Today, I had a lunch with a friend and colleague. We were supposed to have a trade session but sensing that things were a little *off* between us, she suggested that we meet and spend some time together instead. We had a productive and meaningful conversation and were able to get clear on some possible misunderstandings. After we talked and worked through everything, this is what she said to me. I want to share something with you. I know that you and I were meant to be in each others lives. And the Universal message I keep getting is that my role in our relationship is just to love you. Thats it. Thats what Im here for. Im just here to love you. And then she said it again. Im just here to love you. I didnt know what to say. So I sat there quietly for a moment, a lump forming in my throat and trying to process. I dont even know what came next. Maybe I said thank you, but I just dont know. We talked about a variety of meaningful subjects after that and eventually said our goodbyes. I was on foot heading back home and reflecting on the time wed spent together and specifically what shed said to me. Im just here to love you. In that short walk, I realized many things. One, I have an established pattern of pushing people away that are good for me, who care about me, who want to love me. Why is that I wondered? And why is it that I allow people to remain in my life who make me feel bad? Theres a saying that goes something like this: No one can make you feel bad without your permission. And while I believe that is true, I also think its true that there are people who we rub up against for whatever reason who strongly contribute to our feeling bad about ourselves. Why am I drawn to these people and why do I push those away who treat me with respect, generosity, kindness and love? It didnt take long for the answers to come. Thats what Im used to, or at least that is what I *was* used to. Those of you who know me know that most of my childhood was spent in fear, feeling unsafe, and walking on eggshells because of the incredibly abusive relationship with my mom. Ive spent my entire life recovering from this relationship. Ive worked really hard, and that work has resulted in a lot of healing and transformation. But the deep-seeded roots of abandonment, being made to feel bad, unworthy, unloveable and unwanted as a child, keep me in a constant cycle of pain and suffering. Albeit far less severe or dramatic, the reality is I oftentimes unconsciously allow myself to be abused by others in a variety of subtle ways. And the harsher reality is even when that isnt happening, Ill somehow find a way to recreate the abusive patterns of my past. As I came to this realization, the lump in my throat formed again and tears began to well up and slowly trickle down my face. Sigh. Ive come a long way and Ive still got a long way to go. Im not bitter or resentful. This…is…my...life. Im grateful for these moments of clarity and for cleansing tears and for those Ive tried to push away but that didnt give up on me. You know who you are. And, Im going to keep working at letting people love me, because theres a small voice in there that is getting louder and saying youre worth it, you deserve love just like everyone else, you matter. And Im going to also keep working on continuing to lovingly let go of those people in my life who dont have my best interests at heart because I deserve better. We all do. Thank you, friend, for a cathartic experience and for not giving up on me. I think Ill let you be here to just love me.
Posted on: Thu, 13 Nov 2014 05:08:03 +0000
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