Today I want to talk openly about possibly the deepest wound in my heart. Im not sure why, but perhaps there is some thread of inspiration there for somebody. The deepest wound in my heart, which I have been healing for many years, I also recognise is the portal to the deepest joy. I feel over the last months Im finally getting to the part where the scar is actually almost gone. So here is the wound - I feel and always have felt deep love for the concept of family, and have deeply loved my family more than anything else in the world. The trouble is that before the change of the cosmic laws in 2008 the way that we chose our families was a bit different. We chose our family based on them being opposites so that we could learn our lessons through pain and hardship, and the more we were polarised in one direction (for example the more light we had), the more extreme opposites they would be. In other words the more light we had, the more darkness our family would have because we needed the tension in order to grow. So, no matter how hard I tried, my family didnt love me, and I could never quite get over this. As some of you who have been following my journey know I walked away from my family this year for the final time to rebuild my life as I want it in this new creation. Since then I have been deep in the process of releasing all the stored up pain I hadnt tackled, which has been both hard and amazing. Just a little side note to say that is not that every member of my family that is dark, just a handful of core members who I had the closest interaction with. Since I have been engaged in the process of walking away (which has been ongoing for 2 years) other family members have come out of the woodwork to offer their love and support. In any case I had utterly convinced myself that I was just not meant to have family, even though this was the one thing that was most dear to my heart. Even after I encountered my light family I found it so hard to accept and kept myself locked out out of fear of loss! The last few months for me have been about trying to finally let myself in through the open door to what is already there, trusting that I am accepted and wont be cast out, despite any evidence to suggest this might happen. There is a strange dichotomy within me because I have long since left behind the need for acceptance, yet this one remaining scar is still a little raw. I recognise fully that it is the belief that scar tissue is slow to heal that is keeping me from the sense of connection I so intensely crave. Now it is the case of course that children choose their families based on the unfathomable love of being together. I am trying to reorient my own inner child to truly believe that I can choose to be with my true family in joy!
Posted on: Sat, 01 Nov 2014 14:06:51 +0000
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