Today marks the 18th anniversary of the worse day in my life..... So to my Hero I write this. Dear Dad, Once again its that time of year!! That horrible anniversary of the worst day in our lives. So many people believe that after all this time I should be over it and not be affected by the past so much.. But they were NOT there in that moment! That scary, horrible, tragic and heartbreaking moment where it was just YOU and ME. How you went from eating a popsicle on our balcony on a cold March day to you dying in my arms moments later. My heart cant seem to let go of those horrible memories even when I remember all the wonderful times I had with you that day haunts me every second. Most days I can get through with a smile on my face (even if Im faking it!) But not on this day... the sadness is to great to bear and to hard to hide behind the mask I tend to wear. My mind is already racing through all the details of every moment of that day. My heart feels so heavy and so empty at the same time. My heart has been racing in the anticipation of this day almost to the point it feels like Im going to have a heart attack. When I looked out the window today it was very eerie as the sky looked identical to that one 18 years ago and the temperature is the same. Things are repeating.... just waiting for the clock to stop now. Still will never understand how Grandpa Hulls clock stopped the very moment you died. Friends/family have been telling me to get over it, or think of the happy memories... I try!! But they dont understand that you were my SUPERMAN, my HERO, my BEST FRIEND and my DADDY. And they will never know how I feel until they have to do CPR on their hero and still see them die. Or being in a hospital waiting for the official word and hearing your mother let out a painful, terrifing scream when they tell her that her best friend is GONE... that I can still hear in my head as if it just happened. They will never understand any of this but still they tell me hey its been 18 years you should be over it now. So I try and be the bigger person and not respond... but I want to say let me rip your heart out and smash it to the ground and see if you can get over it!! So when Im not thinking about this horrible day my mind starts thinking of all the things that you were not here to be a part of. Our little Nicholle is a grown woman and you would be proud of the woman she has become. Sadly she is the only grandchild you got to know. As you were already gone before Mackenzie and Sierra came into our lives. Then your little Nicky became a mom to your great grandaughter Brooke and Kylee. Definitely little versions of Nick espeicailly Brooke. Nick had you so wrapped when she was little but I know you would of been a puddle of mush for Little Miss Brooke (basically a blond version of Nick... attitude and all) So now I start thinking of all the wonderful things that have happened but then you arent here... So sadness comes again. I asked Mom how she has gotten through these 18 years and she said that anytime she wants to see you she just has to look at me and she can see you. Totally understand this.. I see it all the time. When I look in the mirror or when I sign my name its all you. Guess its hard not to see it when I sign my name considering we have the same name. But even my signature looks like yours its crazy. No matter the amount of time that passes I will always feel the way I do. Sometimes the heart and mind work the way they want and not the way we want them to. I miss you every second I breathe. To live in the hearts of those we LOVE is to LIVE FOREVER So you are going to live forever in my heart! Love you more than words, miss you more than life. Love always and forever Terri Lee
Posted on: Sat, 22 Mar 2014 15:19:45 +0000
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