Today was a big day for me, it was a milestone day because today I woke up early and I went to the gym for the first time since my diagnosis on July 12th of this year. It was so hard to be there and to do what used to come so naturally to me. I got on the elipse machine and I could barely make it 4 minutes before I would have to take a break and catch my breath. I am having to learn a whole different way to do things and now having a filter that I have to breathe through makes working out challenging to say the least. Imagine working out or running while trying to breathe through a towel. However, I am not going to lie, it felt so so good to be in there and to finally feel like I was building my body back up. It has been torn down, and neglected for rest and recuperation for so long that I feel like it has turned to mush. I know it is going to be a long road back, but totally worth it. By far and away this has been the hardest year of my life to deal with. It has had the typical ups and downs, but anything that I thought was a chore or a challenge previously in my life pales in comparison to what I have gone through in the last four months. However, in those four months I have had the opportunity to see exactly how amazing people are and how loved I am, and I feel so blessed by all of this. I have been brought to tears by the generosity of family and friends so many times I cannot begin to count or thank everyone in enough detail. From the simple words of encouragement, to meals for my family, gifts of time or of friendship, there is just so much I am thankful for in the last year as I could not have made it without all of the help that has been given to my family and I. As I sit here alive and kicking, I think about how I was watching my sons play with their new Chirstmas presents from Santa. How I watched them run and laugh and play, and how my life is complete in knowing that I have made two such perfect people. One of the best things about this Christmas and one of the things I will remember the most is actually what my children asked for for Christmas. Bear asked Santa to replace the soccer ball that accidentally got kicked down a storm drain at school, and Super Tristan asked Santa for nothing. He just thanked him for our Elf On A Shelf. That just floored me when I heard it. They have had a rough year even though I have tried to hide a lot of what I have gone through from them. However, they still felt good enough with what they had that they didnt ask for really anything at all. It made me proud beyond measure. Not to say that they didnt get things. Their grandparents, and my brother sent them a bunch of gifts. I am lucky enough to have friends who work for different toy companies who dropped off gifts for us to give to the boys. So it seems that every time I feel like I am not going to have enough, or be enough, or do enough, I have friends who seem to come to my aid without my ever having to ask for help. This year because of everything that has happened was really not going to be as impressive when it came to gifts for them as it was, because of all of the help that I was given. However, even with all of the gifts that my sons received, my youngest son Super Tristan again tonight showed me what it was to just be thankful for what we have. He informed me that one of his favorite Christmas toys was the fort that he built inside his new box. So I am not going to have a resolution for the new year because my whole life is changing on a daily basis and everything that I am is constantly in flux. However, I am going to strive to be more like my almost 8 year old little boy, who was able to find total joy and bliss from something so simple as a cardboard box that he filled with a blanket and some of his new toys. I am going to live every day looking for the simple joys that he sees without even looking.
Posted on: Wed, 31 Dec 2014 13:48:28 +0000
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