Today was a day of an emotional Rollercoaster. Ive talked to close friends and relatives and all had advice. That still small voice inside says stay strong and be a pillar of strength. Ive been almost silent all day after my fits of crying and playing the blame game. Ive managed some strength or at least a facade of strength. Im still shell shocked and my mind is racing but there isnt a finish line. There are no winners in this race anyhow. How do you process news you never saw coming? Moreover, how do you act the way others expect you to when a tornado is twisting you inside out? How can I be the person people are used to seeing and sharing time with when Im falling apart inside? On the outside I must show a different person than the one I feel like right now. I have questioned my faith, cried, screamed, and quite frankly look as if Im in some trance. I still think, I still feel, people around me are talking but I cant hear, im still full of questions, and yet I feel so small. Ive finally gotten some time to be alone to just THINK. The house is quiet and everyone is asleep. But the silence brings a louder noise than I ever imagined. All I can think of is its not over until its over. I love my mother, I want my mother, and I need my mother! How is one suppose to feel, act or behave when they get the news? CANCER! Non- discriminating, hateful, mean, cruel, rude, hurtful, unwanted CANCER! FAITH & PRAYER are my allies. God is my strength and Jesus is my intercessor. But Im still only human. Im frail and weak in mind. Im ignorant of Gods will. I dont know everything and understand even less. God gave me this innate capacity of compassion that can jump leaps and bounds. But what is all that compassion worth if it cant give healing, life or help? You die cant sell it! So it sure cant buy healing, life or help. I cant count the deaths of those I loved that died of cancer. I cant even count people I love who now battle this disease everyday. I fear cancer! I hate cancer! Now my mother has it. ... Every emotional and physical and spiritual battle I have had up until this moment has made me a strong woman. Strength is a badge earned through trials and tribulation. But new trials never keep you from deep, hurtful, and painful sorrow. My joy is hidden right now by clouds of emotion and questions. The what ifs are drowning out what God really wants me to hear and understand. We dont even know what the options are yet. God help me! Please heal her. Ill give all I own just to heal her. I know not your thoughts or your ways. I only know youre ABBA
Posted on: Sat, 31 May 2014 09:11:04 +0000
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