Todays Affirmation: ABANDONMENT OR ENGULFMENT “Let me be,” I cry as the closeness of my partner begins to encroach on my own sense of autonomy. “Stay with me,” I beg as my fear of loneliness leaves me feeling needy and alone. We humans can be a strange species. It is no wonder so many relationships struggle with fears of the opposite states of engulfment and abandonment constantly waiting on the horizons. Mary may constantly fear abandonment from John while John constantly experiences feelings of engulfment from Mary. Her act of clinging engages his fear of engulfment while his pulling away engages her feelings of abandonment. It would be ideal if we could all find a partner who perfectly complements our own needs for attention and autonomy without either partner activating the others fears. Unfortunately this will rarely be the case. The beginning of a relationship is usually accompanied by a host of free flowing feel good chemicals in our minds and we feel completely secure with the behaviors of our partner and our fears are rarely activated in the beginning. If our fears are ignited early on with a new potential partner, we probably should run, seek therapy or both. By the time the partnership begins to settle, commitments have been established and we are faced with a different blend of needs which need to be resolved. Often the unconscious hope is that the partner will sacrifice their opposing need in an effort to satisfy our deeply engrained fears. This is what “lovers” do, right? We often desperately cling to this unconscious feeling that our needs are in the proper balance. We are right and “good” while our partner’s balance of needs must be the result of some childhood neglect leaving them slightly neurotic with their different needs. Our discomforts from lack of need fulfillment often are attributed to our partner’s tendency for selfishness. Until we can override the tight grasp we have on this errant belief of ourselves being “good” and “right” and our partners being defective, we will never be able to work through the reoccurring problems that will inevitably emerge as our relationships move through time. We can only be released from the stronghold of these powerful feelings when we begin to work on them from the firm foundation of respect for each partner’s unique blend of needs. The problem being faced can then be transformed into the partnerships problem instead of two individual problems which require the sacrifice of the needs from one partner or the other to be resolved. It is an issue which will need to be faced over and over again. Childhood programing does not just dissolve into nothing because we are now in a relationship. Any attempt into forcing our partner to succor our cravings for attention or solitude will result in growing resentment. If a partner feels manipulated into giving what you need at the cost of depriving what they need the hurt can leave a deep wound which is not easily healed. For partners to let go of control and manipulation can be terrifying. It will require both partners to face the familiar cycles that abandonment or engulfment can set into motion. It is in the mindful attending to these fears which we can begin to address, process and resolve. We will most likely never completely free ourselves from these familiar faces of fear which a partner seems to trigger but we can soften our response to them. They can become reminders of our own humanity. They offer us the opportunity to practice our skills of self-soothing, transparency with our partners, and an avenue for openly discussing our needs with our partner without the unrealistic expectation that our partner will swoop down and resolve the discomfort every time it rears its painful head. When it is addressed early on, a healthy partnership can use these differences as an opportunity for empathy rather than a continual painful conclusion that we committed ourself to the wrong person. The differences can bind two people together or serve as a wedge to push them a part. It does take two to resolve these issues but all we can do is evaluate our role. Are we being compassionate with our partner? Are we showing the proper empathy? Are we taking time to understand their needs and making attempts to help sooth their needs? Are we expressing our own unmet needs and giving our partner some direction? Relationships are complex. Pain needs to be faced and slowly processed. A new partner may seem like a simple solution but often it is just a temporary relief before the same issue emerges and we need to face it once again. ~Troy Murphy Flourishing Life Society
Posted on: Wed, 17 Sep 2014 11:32:01 +0000
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