Tomorrow I go to look into the eyes of my brothers killer when they hand down his sentence for taking Jakes life. My mom and I had a heart to heart tonight. And as much I want to deny it, I know she is right. I have let my heart become hardened and my anger has taken over my entire life. I have become such a different person in the last two years and it has cost me dearly. It has destroyed my relationship with Jimmy, taken away good friendships, made me push loved ones far away and turned me into someone I am not. I chose to bury the pain thinking if I did that things would somehow be easier to deal with...well the opposite affect has occured and I can no longer deny that. So tomorrow is the first step for me...Im going to start trying to forgive myself and let the massive amount of guilt that I carry surrounding my brothers murder come out and process it. So to those I have hurt or pushed away in the last two years, I am truly sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone or to sabatoge my life and happiness. Since the day Jake died I felt I deserved no happiness, no peace and no love. But Im 26 and I have a long life ahead of me God willing...I dont want to be bitter and angry. I want to be me again. Happy and a good woman, friend, daughter and most importantly a good mother and role model for my children. I want Jake to be proud of me and to know Im living for him and making his memory live on through my babies. I love you all and I hope as I take this first step in healing and grieving my brothers loss that you all will give me the chance to find myself again and heal our realtionships....I love you all and Im so sorry.
Posted on: Mon, 31 Mar 2014 02:07:26 +0000
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