Tomorrow is Alyssas 1 year angelversary. We managed to survive a year of firsts. Theres only 1 way thats possible and its Gods grace and mercy. Its been unbearable at times and calm sometimes too. We have tried many things looking for comfort and the only thing that truly helped at all was talking to her and God. I havent always just talked, it changes a lot. Sometimes it just comes out as a cry from the deepest parts of my soul that I never knew existed, some times its a plea and other times its just anger. Sometimes I just beg for the pain to ease. He answers them all, all in different ways. I am more times than not reminded of the fact that she was his to begin with and I was trusted with her for 14 incredible years. She was sent to me to grow me as I helped her grow. Sometimes I just get a nudge to get up...to move for the moment and redirect. This year has very vivid moments and there are many more that I have to fight to remember. I have become completely unorganized and forgetful. Im forgiving myself for a lot of goofs because I recently realized that my life for 14 years has been on a schedule. I had times for everything. Almost every waking hour had a plan. 14 years of organizing and planning every detail came to a sudden stop. I didnt know how to leave my baby at the hospital that day. I struggled to plan a funeral because there was nothing that could be perfect enough. I still cant move anything of hers. Her toothbrush, laundry basket in the laundry room, her hospital bags are still packed. I need it just to never change because too much has changed already. Our lives have been ripped into bits and we are trying to learn how to put it back to resemble something normal. I guess we will sometime. So much has happened. I still dont sleep well, I cant figure out how/where I want to work. I still can work from home but some days I just cant sit here. I run out of the door only to come right back because it doesnt feel better running either. Its just needed distractions. There it is....thats where Im at. Im here, living, surviving, trying. Most people that love us have been patient and understanding when we have bad or weak moments. Ive learned that they are the ones that love us unconditionally, Ive also learned that Alyssa truly was the glue in some relationships. I am so grateful for the time we had. I wouldnt change a second because 3 weeks before she went to heaven she said those exact words. She said that she has had an amazing life and that she has known and loved so many people that it made her sad to know that not everyone has that. That was her attitude about life...every moment. She counted her blessings often. I wish I could remember to do that more. Thanks to everyone who has been checking in. Tomorrow just take a moment, remember her and then count your blessings and pray...thats the best way to honor her. Xoxo
Posted on: Tue, 29 Jul 2014 00:16:31 +0000
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