Truth is stranger than fiction. This is meant to be a joke, unfortunately; I know this woman. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- HowTo:Stalk your ex From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia “ I dont stalk him anymore” ~ Oscar Wilde Love -- its such a wonderful feeling. When you find that special someone, and you find out that they love you too, you feel like youre walking on cloud nine. However, every relationship goes through temporary rough spots, such as fights and breakups. Did your boyfriend ditch you for some floozy whos twice as thin and half as crazy as you? Did your girlfriend leave you for another woman, citing things like your lack of feelings and violent tendencies? Now is the time to show them that you really care. Now is the time to consider stalking your ex. Contents Step 1: Contact them Most people have a mistaken impression that stalkers lurk in the bushes, waiting for their beloved to pass by. Nothing could be further from the truth! In fact, a good stalker always starts out by offering a line of communication. Or twenty. Tip Communication is crucial in any relationship. They just dont understand how much you really care, or they would take your calls. Send emails: Email is a nice, non-confrontational method to re-establish communication. Every word you send is another chance for your beloved to truly understand the depth of your feelings and how this time apart is killing you inside. Consequently, write often, and write much. Five one-page emails per day is a reasonable minimum, but you know you have time to write more than that. You dont want them to get the wrong impression that you dont really care, now do you? And dont just send emails to your beloved, send it to their family members too, theyll help to show your beloved the error of their ways and make them want to talk to you again. Tip The average answering machine has under 15 minutes of storage space. Make phone calls: Unlike emails, its relatively easy to fill up an answering machine, so you must pace yourself. Estimate how often they check their messages, time your calls, and from this, you can deduce how many messages you can leave per day. Remember: wasted space on the machine is space that could have been used to give your beloved another chance to hear your voice and fall desparately back in love with you again. Also make sure to have at least 2 messages of heavy breathing per day. Its a winner If for some reason they should answer, claim that you had the wrong number, it works everytime you call and theyll never know its you. Step 2: Work around their attempts to stop your lines of communication Tip It takes more than ten thousand account registrations per day for your fingers to risk falling off, barring leprosy. Lets say that, for some inexplicable reason, they havent come crawling back to you. Worse still, theyve blocked your emails and screened your calls. What can you do? New email accounts are free. Gmail, Hotmail, Yahoo mail, and countless other services will let you register new accounts until your fingers nearly fall off. Unless your ex is a geek with detailed knowledge of spam filtering, you can keep up the communications indefinitely. Anyone who gives up just because their emails were blocked never cared to begin with. Pressure his or her friends to make calls for you. You only need them on the line long enough for you to butt in and talk. Sure, it may become increasingly hard to get them to make the calls for you, but if thats not what threats and blackmail are for, I dont know what is. Remember: No means youre not trying hard enough. Step 3: Lurk in the bushes, waiting for your beloved to pass by Tip Poison ivy can be recognized as a vine with clusters of three leaves that meet at a central dot. Notice how the white clothes give this person away. Match your outfit to your surroundings, and preferably stalk in low-light conditions. Be subtle. Yes, its true: earlier, we said that stalkers dont really do this. But some times, the object of our affection has so much trouble getting it through their thick skull that youd cut off your own ear just for another minute in their embrace, that youre forced to do what a normal stalker never would. But youre an individual, which is why they used to love you so much, now isnt it? Find an appropriate bush. The keys are large amounts of open space inside or behind it, leaves space enough to let you see through but not be easily seen, and to not be overly painful (youd take pain for your love, though, wouldnt you?) This generally only applies to thorns; a holly bush can make a great stalking blind. Trees are just large bushes. Dont be afraid to hide in a tree. Manmade objects are just manmade bushes. A mailbox or lamppost will conceal you just as well as your average bush. Try it out! Cars are just mobile bushes. If youre worried about having your car recognized, paint it, trade it in, or rent a car for the occasion. No expense is too great, now is it? Remember: If your beloved passes by, dont miss the opportunity to talk to them. You may need to jog or even sprint to keep up, so exercise regularly. Step 4: A restraining order is just another way of saying: I love you Can a piece of paper keep you away from someone you really love, who would love you wholeheartedly in return if they only gave you a chance? Why would you risk eternal true love over some binding legal order? The law doesnt respect your feelings, so why should you respect it? Go anyways. Expect the police to be called. This means either leave right after you catch a precious glimpse and exchange a few tension-filled words with your beloved, or be prepared for confrontation. But why risk confrontation, when you can... Burn down the courthouse. Attack the records at the source. Step 5: Creative measures Give your beloved a bird. You cant *not* take notice of such a gift. Your attempts to get your beloveds attention just havent paid fruit yet? Haunted by thoughts of them with their new lover, whispering sweet nothings to each other while you freeze in the bushes outside their window? Lets face it, its time to get creative. Tip Gifts will seem the most generous if they are placed in their room before they get home. When you make phone calls, instead of talking, make sure to breathe heavily, moaning works pretty good too. When you watch your beloved sleep from the bushes outside their bedroom window at night, take notes. It shows them that you care. Feel free to take some pictures too. When you are watching your beloved from your designated bush, be sure to send them a text message to let them know that you are watching them. Dont forget to compliment them on their attire, be specific. This works best if you do it at night. A good way of showing you care is to call up their credit card company and get a second card in your name. Theyd want you to have it. Send them a box containing your pubic hairs, chicks dig this. For a guy, use a pair of granny panties. Send gifts every single day (with your brand new credit card), such as dead animals. Everyone loves animals, but hates to take care of them. These can be presented directly, as gifts -- say, a dead cat on the doorstep (white to symbolize purity, perhaps). But you can do better. Arrange them to spell out messages of affection. Using their innards works great too. Lavish gifts. Sneak into their house and leave your love a diamond, a wide-screen TV, or lexus. Also presents a good opportunity to spy and gather intelligence on who your competition is. Yourself. Naked works best, but dont just stand there. When your lover arrives, you should be fixing them a meal, or hiding under their bedsheets. Searching the internet. Nothing says I love you like finding your exs hidden blog, honeymoon pictures of her with her new man, and assorted restaurant reviews. Its all part of the game. Send viruses to their computer. They should only be using it to communicate with you, anyway. Break into their online blog. You can steal their passwords by watching them as they login to their online blog (you may need a pair of binoculars), or by digging through their trash can. You can pretend to be them, and write about their undying love for you, dont forget to leave pictures of yourself on their webpage. Find out where they will be at all times, this can be acquired through their myspace, mutual friends, or their calendar (which you can steal), flaunt your utter suprise whenever you see them, accuse them of stalking you. Make them a collage. Print pictures of yourself and your beloved off the internet, and paste them onto different backgrounds together. Make it look like you were together at the Eiffel Tower, the Pyramids of Giza, Mount Everest, and where ever they were last night. This would also be a good opportunity to utilize the pictures you took of them while they were sleeping, paste a picture of yourself next to them, make it look like you were sleeping next to them. Anything you can imagine! Surely youre not so uncreative as to give up, are you? Remember: Your beloved will need frequent reminders that you know where they live, so let them know on a daily (or hourly) basis. Conclusion Quitters are losers, and youre no loser (are you?). Keep at it, and youll be united with your beloved once again, whether in this world or the next. Only hard work and planning can hasten either outcome. HowTo This article is part of Uncyclopedias HowTo series. See more HowTos See also Stalkers Lurking HowTo:Get Over Jenny Why?:Am I being stalked? S.T.A.L.K.E.R. Featured Article (read another featured article) Featured version: 1 November 2012 This article has been featured on the front page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH. Retrieved from uncyclopedia.wikia/wiki/HowTo:Stalk_your_ex?oldid=5790272 Categories: HowTo Featured Dangerous Insane Insanity Mental Illness Creepy stalker habits This page was last modified on April 9, 2014, at 15:39. Privacy * About Wikia * Terms of use * Contact * Advertise
Posted on: Wed, 08 Oct 2014 23:35:44 +0000
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