Typing this on my phone, it likes to auto incorrect. Facebook has asked what is on my mind, heres my answer, for now, in this moment. I went through a period where my Tourettes essentially went through remission. During this time I enlisted in the Marine corps with hopes of moving up in rank and then working on the transitional stages of earning the title of a navy seal. Unforeseen things arose and halted me. After a few years I thought I had another chance of redeeming my endeavors and was very interested in becoming an Air Force PJ or para rescuer. This is just as ambitious as becoming a seal but in different ways, however my Tourettes wasnt as controllable as it had been when I had enlisted in the marine corps but in my stubbornness I still dawned the doors of an Air Force recruiters office. We talked about options, I transferred my ASVAB scores to their scores and was eligible for PJ. None of my friends new my ambition as I played it carefully knowing what had happened before. For all I know they may have thought I was just entertaining a reservist option but my recruiter and I knew different. We came to the conclusion that I had the ambition and scores to be a PJ but with the Air Forces strict policy on Tourettes and the uncertainty of this banal yet serendipitous condition as I would later see it as, I had to do something very hard, I had to let my dream go. Since then Ive been faced with this decision multiple times. I went on to school part time to allow me the right to be doubly enrolled and I pursued being an EMT with the ambition of becoming a paramedic. Though I was trained, I never took the state exam because of multiple things that transpired, again. Later, after being put in the middle of many medical emergencies that some paramedics never see, including multiple shootings, medevac of children, 2 wheel 4 wheel collisions or bike vs car and 2 personal traumatic accidents ( a table saw accident and very bad automobile accident), I realized that I had already seen too much to ever be psychologically and emotionally prepared without some sort of PTSD issues on the job. After this I went on to OTA school then realized nursing, with my background would be an option. I went on to nursing school to find later that the vaccines required for work were numerable and some dangerous as I am one of the few allergic and unable to store the toxins in my fat rather than permeating my blood brain barrier. So, here I am, knowing I never really fit in anywhere as I am both artistic and brainy(hemispheric synchronicity is rare). At this point Im around 25 or so and all of these events spun me into a storm of existential questions like Mark Wallberg in I Heart Huckabees. I went back to school to explore and learned that I loved psychology, philosophy, sociology, anthropology, quantum sciences, history, speech, physics and apologetics. I would in addition to school work read and study on my own accord. I had been forced to ask a lot of hard questions and do/ did I ever have some. For money, I used a set of skills to be self employed and expanded my passion for photography into a money making business also. Ive had about 7 majors from criminal justice, nursing, humanities, a naturopathic doctor program, and even considered seminary, looked into think tanks and certain governmental jobs and here I am; a struggling business owner who does some photography on the side. So far there hasnt been much I cant learn or study but there are many other things that stubbornly stand in my way in a seemingly resolute fashion, at least for now.:) So, who am I? What do I have to offer? I honestly dont know. Ive come to learn that I love learning, thinking and seeking and have been called a natural philosopher, but what does that mean? So many have their jobs they can use as a reflective glass to look at ,on occasion, when their identity feels shaky, I dont have that. All I know is that I should seek to do right, to not be biased and to realize that the present is all we have and is all we ever had and will have. We will never have the before or the future, just the now. Who knows what I will end up doing, I guess in hindsight all that has ever mattered is what and how I do what I do now. Thats whats on my mind
Posted on: Sun, 30 Nov 2014 11:23:23 +0000
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