Update: Ive had this annoying sore throat for a few weeks now. When it started, it was accompanied by a cough. In the hospital, I also had a mild fever. However, over the last several days theres been no fever and no cough. Still, Ive been wearing a face mask every time I visit Ella just to be on the safe side. Yesterday, after holding her, the pain in my throat got worse, and my cough came back last night. Now I am PARANOID that my holding her yesterday is going to get her sick. I hate that this sweet experience is tainted by so much anxiety. I hate even more that Ive been counseled to stay away from the NICU for now. Todds going down right now to see Ella, and it will be the first day since her birth that I havent at least seen her. Not a great day...tears have been very close to the surface all day. So for now Im popping antibiotics and praying that this stupid illness goes away quickly so I can get back to my little girl. She has her ultrasound tomorrow to find out about any possible bleeding on her brain, and I swear if I have to hear bad news and am also not allowed to see her, it may push me right over the edge of what I can bear. I already feel like that line has been pushed a lot lately. Sorry for the depressing update. I know that my friends and family want to know the truth of whats going on and how were doing, and Im not one to put on a happy face and lie when things really are not okay. Im so thankful that she is doing well, and that the nurses assure me that she had a really good night last night. Im thankful that at least Todd isnt sick, so he can go down and be with her and I dont have to think about her being completely without either of us for the day. Just having a day where Im really ready for all of this to be over and to have her home and healthy, and I know thats still a long way off. UPDATED: I added this as a comment below, but felt like it should be added here too: Thanks, everyone. For the most part I am staying positive, but there are just moments when its depressing and overwhelming, and I feel like its important to share those times too. Its a very real part of this journey, and only sharing the times where I feel upbeat and optimistic wouldnt be an accurate representation of what its like going through this. Id hate to have someone else struggling with something similar and wonder why I never had the dark days and impossible moments that are an inescapable part of this journey. Thank you for the prayers and keeping our names on the prayer rolls in temples. I know that miracles are happening. Love you all!
Posted on: Sun, 11 Jan 2015 22:25:10 +0000
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