We, human beings, are an integral part of nature, which exists in a fluid and dynamic state of moment-to-moment experiences. These experiences are as varied as the colors and vagaries of nature itself. And yet we attempt to describe ourselves in some consistent and constant terms- such as kind, loving, honest, compassionate; or perhaps lazy, good-for-nothing, a misfit etc. The list may be long or short, it may be flattering or flattening, but it exists. Each one of us carries ‘an idea of our self’ that we knowingly or unknowingly defend and strengthen to the best of our abilities. Our selective memory edits out any experience, perspective or evidence that does not support our make-believe story, or suggests otherwise. We disown or justify those times when we behave differently from our self image, but rarely question the image itself. And then we wonder why we feel so restless from within? We feel restless because our self-image confines us – we become its prisoner. I used to see myself as a perfect wife and a perfect mother. This image created such perfectionist tendencies that I couldnt tolerate any shortcomings on my part. Subconsciously, I saw myself as an ideal - sacrificial - wife and mother, and unknowingly denied myself the same care and compassion that I bestowed upon my loved ones. I couldnt give myself the permission to drop the cloak of an ‘ideal mother’ and an ‘ideal wife’ even for an instance. I could not imagine doing anything that would contradict these two self-definitions. But in this world of duality, opposites have to co-exist. There is no light without darkness, nor hope without despair. So, much to my horror, there would be occasions when I would discover that I was not so “ideal” after all. Those occasions created and strengthened the ‘I am not good enough’ paradigm. And in my guilt, anger, frustration and pain, I made my loved ones feel ‘not good enough’ too. Since it was difficult to see my “blind” spots, I began to project them on to my most beloved people. By and by, as I consciously brought loving awareness and acceptance to all suppressed parts of my-self, I discovered that there was nothing to hide or disown or prove to anyone. I simply needed to let go of my limited self-definition. That is all. Now, I do not feel the need to force-fit myself to some predetermined notions of what I should be like. I can simply relax and allow myself to just be. The shift is subtle and perhaps only obvious to me. However, it is very liberating. It relieves me of the anxiety of not meeting my own or someone else’s definition of me. It frees me to be spontaneously myself, in any given moment.
Posted on: Thu, 24 Apr 2014 19:24:59 +0000
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