Well, Time To Go Out In Front Of A Bunch Of People And Lie To Them Jun 25, 2013 By Jay Carney, White House Press Secretary Well, it looks like weâre about ready. The reporters have taken their seats, the photographers have set up their equipment, and everyone in the briefing room is waiting for me, the White House press secretary, to walk up to the podium and address the American publicâs most pressing questions. And all that means only one thing: Itâs time for me to go out there in front of all those people, take a deep breath, and then completely lie to their faces for about an hour. Iâm looking forward to it. At this point, Iâve gotten pretty comfortable with my daily routine of standing in front of the nationâs media representatives, fielding their various inquiries regarding the administrationâs position on the issues of the day, and then telling dozens and dozens of lies. Actually, itâs incredibly easy. A major part of what Iâm about to do comes in the preparation. Long before I mislead the media, I work closely with the president and his staff to make absolutely sure Iâm disseminating the appropriate lies on all the hot-button issuesâgovernment surveillance, the economy, Syria, the IRS, whatever. Itâs absolutely imperative that I know exactly which lies Iâm going to tell and how Iâm going to tell them, so that, just a couple minutes from now when a reporter asks me about, say, drones, Iâll be able to nod, consult my notes, and then look that person in the eye and tell him something that isnât the truth. Itâs going to be great. It always is. But when I get out there, I wonât just be telling straight-up lies to these peopleânot exactly. No, Iâve got all sorts of tricks up my sleeve, from my misdirections, to my veiled half-truths, to my evasions, all of which Iâll soon be using on dozens of respected yet largely passive Washington journalists. Sometimes Iâll merely distort the truth. Sometimes Iâll pretend I donât understand whatâs being asked. And then, occasionally, when I run out of options, Iâll sterilize a difficult question with a meaningless stock phrase like, âWeâll have no comment on the matter at this time,â or, âI would refer you to my earlier response on this subject.â Then again, quite frequently, Iâll just flat-out lie, which is largely what Iâm planning on doing once I get on stage in a few moments. Itâs not always so cut-and-dry, though. Every so often, a member of the press corps will hit me with a pointed question on a touchy subject, and Iâll realize that tossing a simple lie his way just wonât cut it. When this happens, I simply perform this little ruse Iâve got in which, even though I know exactly what heâs asking, I offer a useless blanket statement that doesnât answer his question in the slightest. And then, if he persists, Iâll just say the president is currently monitoring the situation, at which point Iâll abruptly move on to another reporter, usually someone whoâs cozy with the administration and one who I know wonât challenge me on my endless barrage of bald-faced lies. Speaking of the reporters, they actually do their own part to make this job of mineâin which I lie for a livingâpretty manageable. You see, quite a few of these journalist types are extremely lazy, so they tend to accept my lies at face value, no questions asked. In fact, the lazier ones know exactly how they want their articles to play out long before they set foot in the briefing room, so they only ask questions that reinforce the narrative theyâve already got in mind, all of which lends itself to just about every equivocation, fallacy, and total pile of bullshit that I can come up with. Theyâve got their rehearsed questions, and Iâve got my rehearsed lies. Itâs a good setup. And I almost forgot to mention the craziest part about all of this: When I go out there and deceive these reporters, it wonât end there. Sure, I might start out spinning lies in front of the 50 or so journalists who actually attend the press conference, but then these people go back to their offices and write stories that circulate my liesâpretty faithfully, I might addâto their millions of readers. And then, in turn, these fictions are repeated again and again throughout the public discourse until they eventually attain a level of societal acceptance that ensures the actual truth remains hopelessly obscured, along with any semblance of executive transparency on the issues. Pretty wild, huh? Anyway, thatâs how this process works. And now Iâve got to get out there and do what I do best. Wish me luck!
Posted on: Sat, 29 Jun 2013 11:22:58 +0000
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