Well blame this one on the hormones. Ive never spoken this openly about this before. I had an odd but strangely healing thought today. Earlier I had a candid and fun conversation with Royce, and I thought how lovely it is to be able to have so much casual joy in a relationship. I thought about how we still don’t run out of things to talk about even though we’re together so much more than a lot of other couples. That isn’t the strange part, though. Maybe it’s between that, and the pregnancy induced nightmares I have of what terrors my ex inflicted, that I had said thought. Although throughout our relationship, my ex bugged my phone to listen to my conversations and read my text messages….although he installed something on my computer which enabled him to see what I was doing at any moment (and spied on me through my webcam when I wasn’t with him).…although he invaded my privacy and used it against me, making me think I was losing my mind and turning me against the closest people in my life….although he continued to hack into my personal e-mails well after we had broken up…..I realized that despite all this…..he could see how much Royce and I were [are] in love with one another. He could see the candidness, the joy we brought to one another. He could read our conversations. He could listen to my conversations with friends about how much I loved Royce. He saw my struggle with trying to get over him but not being able to. And he knew that no matter how many times he (my ex) would tell me that Royce would cheat on me, or treat me horribly, that it ended up with us planning a wedding and him seeing how devoted my then future-husband was to me. (Shortly thereafter I received a new computer, so he could not spy on me or know when I changed my passwords). I know how much this irked him to no end, to where he made short movies about it, one of which centered on fantasizing about murdering Royce in various ways. Although I still struggle to deal with the things this person did to me for that short 14 months (what I’ve stated here is a small amount of it), I can take comfort in knowing that he knows that when I got away I became happy. He knows my relationship is full of joy and love, and nothing he tried to do to me could stop it from happening or somehow make Royce into a terrible person. No matter what that specific person did to me, I still ended up with the one person he hated the most and who he tried to turn me against, have an amazingly stable life, a wonderful little baby with another on the way, and I didn’t end up bitter. No matter how much I struggle to work through the pain he caused, I still ended up overcoming it, and he read/heard Every. Single. Little. Painful. Horrible. Detail. Of it all. That’s the price he ended up paying and *he* has to live with those thoughts and memories for the rest of his life. It makes my putting up with everything else easier.
Posted on: Tue, 15 Oct 2013 21:13:57 +0000
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