Well it finally happened. I have hit my boiling point, my limit, the absolute peak of emotional control and filter. The dam has broken. I thought it was just because it is closer to the date when I lost my daughter, but it wasnt. It is no secret that I have dealt with a lot of terrible things in life, the most recent being the death of a child and the loss of my legs. But those are not the only things to ever happen.While I do take pride in my ability to adapt and overcome, remain positive for the most part, even strive for more in life, each thing leaves a mark on a person. Each instance leaves a hole or wound on your soul and your heart. I do bottle some things up because they cannot be let out at once and it is not safe to attempt, especially around others. I know it is bad to hold some things, even pieces of things, inside to deal with at a different time, but it has worked (or so I thought) until now. I guess when so much builds up over time, things you have forgotten about and bottled away come to the surface. I always knew that this would happen, just didnt expect it to be like this. It may look like incoherent ramblings to anyone who reads it, but it is the only thing keeping me somewhat calm in this moment. I guess the final straw was realizing there are certain things I physically cannot do and will never do. It hit today while the house is being remodeled. For someone like me, who has a ton of pride and is very stubborn, it hit very hard. Then of course the emotions come screaming in and everything else that has built up, including the coming anniversary of my childs death, it peaked. I really dont know how to explain how I feel right now because I dont even know. I dont think there is a word for it. It is almost like an out of body experience where you know what is going on, but you have no control over anything or feel anything. Robot mode I guess. People always say that things will pass and things get better. Sure, that may be true, but sometimes while things may seem great on the surface, nobody really knows what is beneath. Hence the situation now. People check out of their bodies all of the time, deal with their demons inside, while cutting out everyone else around them, only to return good as new as soon as whatever needed to be fixed was done. Maybe that is it. Sometimes a person just doesnt come back. They are fine in the eyes of everyone else out there, but it is a facade, a shell perhaps, and nobody is wise to it. I knew it would happen to me one day. I just didnt think it would be like this. So, guess I have checked out for a bit. Many will not notice, some will, others have known for a while and just not said anything. Ill come back one day when the time is right I guess. Anyways, this long winded rant is over. Read it or not, it was only meant for me to get the words out in front where I could see them. It probably doesnt even make sense but hey, what really does?
Posted on: Wed, 16 Jul 2014 16:53:07 +0000
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