Went to see Noah starring Russell Crowe last night..........if anyone is considering checking it out I would strongly advise against it......even old Jesus himself must have been requesting those involved in the production get the lightning bolt treatment if he sat through this pile of droppings rather than play Fifa or summat..........might be a couple of mild spoilers here, but trust me, not warning you of whats in store if you check this out would be the ultimate in spoilage..........so, we see Noah and his family trying to make an honest living, foraging for sustenance on what appears to be the surface of the moon, then Crowe has a dream where hes drowning, and immediately assumes it must be a message from God, rather than thinking hes probably just eaten a dodgy berry thats passed through a yak or summat..........anyway, he goes to see his grandfather, Anthony Hopkins, whos been relaxing up a mountain for a few decades.......Hopkins hands him a magic bean, which once planted, precipitates the instantaneous growth of enough trees on the waste land to yield enough timber to build a bloody great boat........result! However, Noah and his puny family dont have the man-power to chop down all these trees and start building, so, the problem of who built the Ark is explained by the introduction of.............gigantic rock transformers!...........the existence of the giant rock transformers (and Im not exaggerating here, theyre about three stories tall) is explained as follows.......theyre angels, sent down to Earth by the big guy to deal with the evil humans, whove gone off the rails eating forbidden apples etc...........once the angels have failed in their mission, God decides to give them it with both barrels, and turns them into lumbering rock creatures.............pretty sure this isnt in the bible, but anyway, a little bit of artistic license, whats wrong with that?!.........soooo, the rock creatures crack on with building the Ark, which takes about ten years graft (they do take a lot of fag breaks), during which time, Crowes family pick up Emma Watson from Harry Potter, who with this performance, has any luck torpedoed her career for good, truly awful.........once the Ark is built then, all the animals of the world turn up at the same time, take an organised pew in the interior, and all conveniently fall to sleep instantly (as Crowe and his mrs have developed a potent anaesthetic out of some old leaves they found lying about, bingo!).........so, once all the animals are safely tucked up (with no means of feeding them, or clearing up their tsunami of excrement if they ever decide to wake up, in sight), its time for the deluge!......by the way, during the construction, an army led by Ray Winstone has gathered outside the building site, which, when the deluge begins, attempts to board the Ark, whilst the giant rock transformers smash the crap out of them with giant clubs......not very angelic behaviour...........anyway, to cut a long story short, Noah goes mental once theyre riding the waves, because his son has got Emma Watson up the duff, which once she gives birth, will lead to the perpetuation of humanity in Crowes eyes, therefore Crowe threatens to club the sprog to death when its born............after a labour lasting a good two mins, Watson bangs out twins (I have seriously put more effort into disposing of a heavy indian meal the following morning than Watson did with her preggers acting), Noah has a change of heart, and lets the little dudes survive............during this point, I was literally laughing at how crap this film was, and was taking more of an interest in the range of coats Noah was sporting (a rather natty sleveless denim number, and then a nicely tailored busker-chique donkey jacket, which could easily have come from Jacamo), and praying to the dark lord to smite Braintree Cinema with an explosion in the hotdog section so Id have an excuse to leave..................to add insult to injury, Rotten Tomatoes scores this around 75% fresh, so my faith in that site has been shaken to the core!...........wow, that went on a bit, do not go to see this film under any circumstances, it suuuuuuuuucks!
Posted on: Tue, 08 Apr 2014 17:18:04 +0000
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