Went to see a therapist. I have never cried so much in my life. Talking about you and the anger I have and the guilt I feel is so hard. Im going to a group tonight at a church here that meets for people like me who have lost a child to talk about their feelings and experiences to help others cope. Supposedly they will understand how I feel. I need to figure out how people keep going on with their lives. Like your daddy has. Baby hes so strong. It is one of the things I love most about him. He doesnt need anyone to lean on and can cope with anything. Im going to miss him the rest of my life. I have no doubt hes never going to have anything to do with me again and I doubt he will even speak to me again. Who can blame him? He gave me the most wonderful gift of you and I failed to take care of you. You were my part of him that I was never supposed to lose. Now I feel like I have nothing. I know Uncle Michael and Aunt Jess love me and are trying to help me. I know I have to try to help myself. I know I have to get strong again and make what I can of what is left of my life. I used to have such a strong wall up so no one could hurt me. I have to figure out how to put those walls back up and not let anyone in this time. It is the only way I know how to survive. I love you baby girl. Stay with mommy while she tries to get better.
Posted on: Wed, 27 Aug 2014 16:05:55 +0000
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