What and If. Two harmless words that when combined together can make you question all the decisions that you ever made in your life. What If? Ive been asking that question since the day that I saw you with your girlfriend. Since I saw how happy you are in her arms. And I realized, it is too late for me now. And all I have is to question everything that we have. Everything that we might have. I met him during my freshman year in San Sebastian. Hes loud, one of the cool kids and of course, handsome. So handsome that almost half of the girls in our block had a crush on him. He always smiles to everyone and I was captivated with that smile. Days have passed and I still got a crush on him. Were blockmates but we dont talk that much. No. We dont talk at all. Well, its my choice. Because I thought at that time that he wont want me as his friend. Who am I to be his friend? Im not pretty. Im not one of the cool kids. I have been just a nerd seating at the back with her book always in her face that is too naive to notice her surroundings. I have been content with just looking at him from afar. But destiny, fate or whatever you want to call it gave me a chance to be noticed by him. Our professor in one of our courses assigned him to be my partner in a research paper. I dont know what to feel at that moment. Happy? Because finally we can be friends or nervous because I dont know how to react whenever Im with him. But being a true gentleman that he is, he made it all easy for me. We became friends. We hang out most of the time. We got to know each other. We had a lot of things in common and because of that, we clicked. We are so close to the point that our blockmates thought that there is something going on between us. We just laughed it off and tell them that were just friends. Junior year. Our relationship, leveled up. We became Best Friends. He was still the same funny gentleman that I met years ago and my feelings for him became deeper. Too deep that it scares me. I started to think things through. I started to become paranoid that if our situation continues, I will just hurt myself in the end. Because he never saw me more than a friend. I will always be just a best friend that will always be there for him. Second semester of our Junior year, I started to avoid him. I started making excuses whenever he asked me to go to the library with him or eat lunch together. I even forced myself to be friends with some of my girl blockmates just to make him see that I got new friends. I also thought at that time that he wont mind losing me as his Best Friend because he got a lot of friends. He even told me that he was happy that I have new friends and that proved all my thoughts. That he was okay without me. A few weeks before the end of our junior year, we rarely talk. Most of the time its my fault because whenever I sensed that he wants to talk about something, Ill make an excuse and will sit beside my new friend. He never confronted me about it, but I know that hes wondering whats happening to me. Whenever I seat beside my new friend, I can feel his stares at my back. Stares that are full of questions that are waiting to be answered. But I never gave him an answer. Not even one. I pushed him away. Because of my selfish mind that always remind me that its better to avoid than to cure. Senior year. We stopped talking. Totally. Maybe he got tired of making an effort to talk to me. While I get used of pushing him away. I dont know if I should be happy because I succeeded in preventing myself from hurting or give myself a most stupid award because who am I kidding? It still hurts. I never had my happy ending because I ended it before having a once upon a time. Retreat. I was having second thoughts to participate in it because Im afraid of the open forum. Im afraid of the things that he will ask me because I dont know how to answer them without telling him my true feelings. But my new friends forced me to go since it will be our last retreat together. So I went anyway. On the bus, I noticed that my ex-best friend is sitting with one of our most beautiful classmate and they are laughing. I felt a pang in my chest that I cant describe. We looked each other in the eye as I walked on their side. I was hurt when he looked away first. Well, I deserved it. I always remind myself that I pushed him away. I deserve all his coldness. On our last night, the priest assigned to us gave us an activity. An activity that I was so afraid to do. Open forum. But he gave it a twist. Instead of talking to each other eye to eye, one of the participants will be blindfolded while doing the activity. The blindfolded participants will be seated in front with a chair in front of them and anyone who wants to talk to them, will sit in that chair. I decided not to participate but the priest required as to do so. It was my turn to be blindfolded. My friend handed me the blindfold and tied it for me. I sat and wait for someone to talk to me. My new friends are the one who talked to me first. They are just thankful that I became their friend etc. Etc. After a few minutes, I thought no one will talk to me anymore so I decided to stand up and I was about to remove my blindfold when a hand stopped me. Hindi pa kita nakakausap. He doesnt need to introduce himself. I havent talk to him for months, but I can still recognize his voice. His voice that I missed so much. After that, I sat down. I waited for him to talk and after a few seconds, he started talking. Anong nangyati satin _____? Bakit mo ko iniiwasan? Akala mo ba di ko nararamdaman yun? Anong akala mo sakin? Manhid? T*ngna. May nagawa ba ko na ikinagalit mo? Akala ko ba best friends tayo? Nagkaroon ka na ng bagong barkada kaya balewala na ko? (Not the exact words but thats the thought that he wants to tell me.) I was speechless. He curse a lot, but he never cursed me or anyone in front of me because he knew how much I hate it. I dont know what to say. I just cried. I didnt know that he was hurting too. But the things that he told me after that made me cry even more. Mahal kasi kita _____. Mahal kita hindi bilang kaibigan. Mahal kita higit pa sa inaakala mo. Pero siguro, you never saw me more than a friend. Kaya siguro iniwasan mo ko. Masyado bang obvious yung feelings ko kaya nailang ka? Sana sinabi mo na lang _____. Mas gugustuhin ko pang mabasted at manatiling best friend mo kesa nag iiwasan tayo ng ganito. I just cried at that moment. And all I was able to tell him is that Im sorry, Im sorry, Im sorry. Before leaving, what he told made me regret all the things that I did. Oo. Mahal kita ______. Pero di ko ugaling ipilit ang sarili ko sa taong ayaw sakin. Kami na ni _______ (the girl seating with him on the bus.) Sana masaya ka ______. Sorry kung pinaiyak kita. After that, he left and one of my friends, helped me remove the blindfold and she assisted me in my seat. They never asked anything but I know that they knew what happened. After the retreat, we became strangers again. I became a nerd again seating at the back with a book in her face that is too naive of her surroundings. The only difference at that moment is that I was not naive when it comes to my ex-best friend and his girlfriend. I was aware how happy he was in her arms. How happy he was without me in his life. Until now, I always ask myself, what if I didnt avoid him? Are we best friends until now or something more than that? What if I had the courage to tell him what Im feeling when he told me that he loves me? Everything will be different if I did that and Im sure I will be happy. But thats all I have right now. All those What Ifs that will never be answered. I asked God to give me a closure. And he gave me one yesterday. I just saw in my newsfeed that my ex-bestfriend is now engaged. Always a Best Friend, Graduate Studies, 2013
Posted on: Sat, 13 Dec 2014 14:22:44 +0000
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