*What if* When I decided to get married, I had thought of this moment. Not because I wanted or didn’t want this to happen, but because I knew that it would. It was unavoidable. He would have definitely come to my wedding, and why wouldn’t he? He was... is.. one of my closest friends. My whole family knows him. He has had several dinners at my place when he was alone in the city, he has his photograph at my desk, and he was there during all the happy and sad moments of my life, ever since we had first met. And still, I feared his presence. When I look at him dancing as I get my mehendi done, or getting a chair for my grandmother who is too old to stand as I slip the ring onto the finger of my man to be, I know that feelings can’t die. When I see him rushing to pick and drop the guests from one corner of the city to another, I know that he is not doing it because he is just a friend of the bride. When I see him wearing the pink turban that everyone is wearing as my would-be husband walks in with my future family, I know that behind that smile is a story unspoken. They say that feelings need not be expressed if true. I waited years for him to know that I had some, for him. I tried to look for his feelings too, and found them in his silly compliments, on how he treated me in the early days of our friendship, when he would always find a place next to me in all the movies that we watched, when he asked me to be his prom date, and when he gave me a red rose that night, and kissed me on my cheek. His changed behavior after that, his friendly jokes and comments after that, his being cautious when I was around after that, who wouldnt have thought that he had feelings for me? When we took a trip to the hills with the gang and I woke up early every morning just so he would, one day, come up and ask to go for a walk where he would possibly hold my hand and offer me his jacket to fight the cold, all I got in return of hopes was disappointment, and the upsetting feeling of being too desperate for a tinge of romance in the otherwise perfect friendship. Why am I feeling all this even now, when I am about to enter the most endearing relationship of my life? What is the fault of this man, who has high hopes for his future with me? Why do I feel like a cheat, even without doing anything to him? I swear that I would never even think of cheating on him once we get married. Why didnt I ever feel this emotion all the time that we were engaged? Why do I look at him after I put that flower garland around that man’s neck, who is now my husband? Why is he looking at me and giving that hopeless smile? What if, what if he had ever told me how he felt? What if I had shed the inhibitions that society attaches with your gender, and asked him how he felt about me? What if?
Posted on: Sun, 27 Jul 2014 17:30:01 +0000
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