What if… love never finds its way into my existence? It’s a question that continues haunting me. At times, I panic and my heart beats too fast from worrying about being alone for the rest of my days, yet there is nothing I can do except a pill that might calm me for a little while. I’m 33 years old, but I feel like a little boy, afraid that no one will hold my hand amid the pitch black darkness where it’s impossible for this death to subside. Not to say that all girls are the same, but I tire of the excuses to spare my feelings. Just say it, I think to myself. Just tell me it’s the Duchenne you don’t want to be with. When I was younger, I had so much hope that I couldn’t be angry. Now, I’m too old to find bitterness… too old for games that I never played. Oh, how I long to stroke my fingers across her forehead, brushing back her naturally flowing hair. I lose sight of the world in my fantasies, hoping to walk again so that I can finally have a chance at romance. People say that marriages can happen, despite Muscular Dystrophy, but what do they know with something like Becker? They can still move their damn arms with all their dystrophin. I don’t want to settle either, for someone I’m not even attracted to. I’m alone, but no one actually cares. This aforementioned, are you in the same predicament? Well, too bad because this is simply a hard dose of reality, and finding the positive hurts like hell and takes work. There is no easy way out. Blaming others, even God, is nothing more than a lack of responsibility, and gutless lie to yourself. I used to be irresponsible, gutless, until I found the grace of a woman’s heart, when I discovered the truth. If you take a moment to dive into my lonely mind, you’ll understand that I never believed the world owed me something. I only believed that every moment we have is a moment to remember gratitude. I’m not a good man. I have so many flaws and imperfections, so much darkness inside. I don’t deserve a woman’s love. This is the way I see it, the ultimate yet simple truth that life and the love of a woman are privileges, while to be in her presence on Earth is something to smile about. Just because women might not love me, doesn’t mean I don’t have the capacity to love them. My friends, sometimes being a man (that I learned from this wretched disease anyway) is about being happy for someone else’s happiness.
Posted on: Tue, 01 Jul 2014 04:16:17 +0000
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