Whats on your mind?, Facebook asked me this morning. All I can think about is Robin Williams and his struggles throughout the years. A man so full of life, love, confidence, compassion and such heart. A man that many people would die for a chance to meet. Ive known Robin since I was very young when my parents watched him in Good Morning Vietnam, Mork and Mindy, some of his stand-up with Billy Crystal and Whoopi Goldberg and such. I fell in love with his humor in Hook and Mrs. Doubtfire. I fell in love with his acting in Jumanji and Good Will Hunting. He touched me in a way that I was able to forget whatever it was that was bothering me at the moment. As a teenager I fell into a deep depression. I was bullied in High School by older girls, I was in an abusive relationship, like most adolescents I struggled to find acceptance, my best friend moved away, I lost my grandmother to cancer and it devastated me, I did not have a good relationship with my parents, and I was simply very sad. Classes were difficult for me to remain focused and I had a really hard time absorbing the material given, therefore if I even completed any homework, my grades still fell. I spent countless hours in my room - usually grounded for punishment, and/or just to hide my ridiculous emotions. Then the day arrived that I just couldnt cry anymore. I got home from school to an empty house; no brother, no dad, no mom. I made a call to my boyfriend who had informed me that we were once again breaking up, and he had found someone else. I had to be at my job in 30 minutes so I put on my Auto Stop polo shirt, sat on the floor in front of my mirror where I attempted to conceal my bruised, puffy out-cried eyes. All I could do was stare at myself in disgust. I closed my eyes and imagined a world without my burden-- my parents would no longer have to fight with me or be embarrassed of my mistakes; my brother would no longer be picked on by me; my friends wouldnt have to battle my boyfriend for 2 seconds of my attention; the school guidance counselor wouldnt have to spend her lunch hour with me crying in her office; I wouldnt feel the pain of losing my grandmother; I wouldnt feel the pain from my abusive boyfriend; and all of that proved to me the world was better off. I was taken to my rock bottom all in a matter of 20 minutes. I made a decision that nearly took my last breath. If it werent for the Higher Power that overtook my subconscious one hour later and forced me to dial 911, I wouldnt be here today. I have decided to share this info, because Im reliving it all again after discovering the tragic loss of Robin Williams. How can a man that loved and admired be so unhappy? How can a man so wealthy have worries? How can a man so happy on the outside, want to die? DEPRESSION. Depression is one powerful disease. What I experienced as a teenager was absolutely depression. Had I been able to reach out and ask for help, without feeling ashamed, I may have never reached the point of despair that I did. Society looks down on us as though we are weak, vulnerable, and wasteful beings. Depression is looked upon as an poor excuse for ones dramatic overreactions, angry outbursts, never ending tears, suicide attempts, etc. Once I became diagnosed at 16 years old, and a treatment plan was set forth, I actually felt happy knowing there was hope for me. Yes, I have to live out of a bottle of pills for the majority of my life-- mainly in the winter months when my Seasonal Affective Depression Disorder kicks in, and also when my post-partum blues after having my babies kicked in. I hide my disease by not telling many people about it. Even my parents dont know the extent of it. They were always ashamed of it anyways. But ROBIN WILLIAMS!! I wonder to myself... did he have anyone to turn to? What brought him to that moment? Was it a fight with someone he loved, a harsh comment/insult to him, his past creeping up on him???? Having been there, my heart aches so much for him. He was such a blessing in this world, yet, he did not even know his worth. Depression kept him from seeing and knowing his worth. He knew who he loved and what mattered most to him, but Depression convinced him those feelings were not in return. Never have I been so open about this, and I admit, Im afraid of the judgement in your eyes. But in reality, let this be a warning to open your hearts to the people in your life that need you a little more. To those psycho girlfriends, crazy wives, high-maintenance/needy friends, clingy boyfriends, separation anxiety babies,. Try not to wash your hands of them by telling yourself they are simply too much to handle, dramatic, etc. Just reach out. Let them speak openly about whats on their mind and guide them to seek professional help. Depression is not something we can help on our own. If they decide that hiding in their room isnt working, many will self-medicate with substance abuse and/or resulting in addictive/criminal/self-destructive behavior. Knowing you can make such a difference in how one may see themselves, may save their life... and maybe even yours. Depression is serious!!! RIP Mr. Williams
Posted on: Tue, 12 Aug 2014 17:14:44 +0000
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