When I was in my early twenties, I locked myself in a bathroom. In my hand was a bottle of sleeping pills and next to me was razor. I sat on the cold tile floor, mentally flipping a coin in my head trying to decide which method I would take. I loathed myself. Everything about me was a lie. I walked through life numb, no one knowing my pain. I had become so adept at putting a smile on my face, on wearing a mask, that sometimes; if I tried hard enough, I could almost believe it myself. In the dark though, in the night, when I was alone with my thoughts and my pain; all of my ugly came out to visit. I hated who I was, the things I had done. I hated the way looked, the way I thought. I could never get my brain to shut off. What I denied in the daylight always came back to make itself known in my dreams. I thought that my children would be better off. That they would be happier without me and that most certainly the world would continue without me. All those years of feeling invisible seemed to justify the act I was contemplating. My hurt was so great and so deep. It felt as vast as the ocean, as tall as the mountain tops. As I sat there, alone, trying to make a choice; I caught a look at myself in the mirror. I saw the greenest eyes reflecting back from a face that was filled with sadness. I saw, me, perhaps for the first time in a long time. I wasnt the monster I had convinced myself I was, I was a scared girl with burdens so heavy her shoulders just hurt from the weight. I let my tears fall down my face and onto my chin. I sat there for what felt like an eternity, letting the feelings flow. I knew in that moment that I wasnt healed by a long shot but the girl I saw behind that mask deserved a chance. She deserved to figure things out and to find her way. The laughter of my children in the room next to me finally snapped me out of my state. I threw the pills down the toilet, put the blade in the trash. I didnt know what the day would bring or the next day after that. I only knew that for the first time in what felt like forever, I wanted to find out. My heart aches for the family left behind of Robin Williams. We all wear masks. Some of us have them on tighter than others. It is what we see underneath when the mask comes off and we are alone with our thoughts that decides which way that coin will flip. His loved ones will forever carry the burden of his legacy and loss. In a moment a life cut short. A friend once told me I say I love you too much. That its not necessary to always say it. I am reminded tonight of why that is wrong. It is important to always say it because you never know what pain the person you love carries with them underneath their smile. You never know what they see when they lift that veil and take off their mask. Perhaps those three simple words are enough to shine a light into a very dark room. Perhaps those three words are what makes the difference. I say to you tonight that I love you. I love you for what you show to me and what you have yet to reveal. I love you because this world is beautiful because of your presence and I love you because my life is better because your in it. May Mr. Williams RIP. My heart goes out to his family and friends.
Posted on: Tue, 12 Aug 2014 01:13:21 +0000
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