When I was little, I couldn’t pronounce the letter R and I had a bad stutter. I got made fun of a lot in school because of it. Years and years of speech classes didn’t seem to make a difference. I saw a lot of the other kids who struggled like me fixing whatever the problem was or they simply grew out of it but not me. There is only so much teasing and ridicule you can take, especially as a child, so I resorted to simply not talking. I never spoke up, never made new friends, never shared my thoughts or opinion, I was just the guy who never talked. Even though I was a smart kid in school, I NEVER raised my hand to answer a question in class, and I absolutely dreaded reading out loud. Kids in class would make fun of my stutter, and laughed at me. Because of how depressed and hopeless I felt, I stopped talking to people altogether. I cried myself to sleep countless nights, BEGGING for God to fix my voice. After many years, I gave up hope on my voice ever being fixed. As I got older, because I didn’t talk much, I constantly heard comments about how this person thinks I hate them, or that person is afraid to talk to me, or nobody wants to hang out with me because they thought I was mean, stand-offish, mad at them, rude, stuck-up… I heard it all. Everyone had their own assumptions of me. I became so bitter and angry at the world. My whole life revolved around my insecurity. There was a constant inner battle and torment going on in my mind I want to say SOMETHING, I want friends, I want people to like me… but if I open my mouth they will only make fun of me and not even hear what I have to say.” It was a lose-lose state of living. People didn’t like me if I was too quiet and people didn’t like me if I spoke up. Trying to overcome it on my own proved to be impossible. So when someone I knew invited me to a group I said (to myself), Sure, why not? At the group I felt safe and accepted. I finally decided to share with someone the struggle and pain I was going through. As soon as I began to express my insecurities and my fears out loud, I realized how much bigger they seemed in my head than they actually were when I heard myself say them. This realization helped me see, not only that my problems were not unbeatable , and I realized somehow, somewhere inside, we are all dealing with something. I thought, “how could I be so selfish to allow my insecurity to consume my life and keep me from helping others? It wasn’t until I stepped out of my comfort zone and started reaching out to people that I mostly “grew out of” my speech impediment. I still stutter to this day, so it is a constant battle to keep pushing on and to not be afraid to speak up in any situation. I am 24 years old and people will still make jokes. (I guess some people just never grow up!) I have learned to just shake it off and not let it bother me. I also find it really hard to express my feelings to people. I have so many things I have going through my head but just dont have the power to say anything. Makes me really upset and emotional that I just cant be someone normal.. Guess Ill never be.
Posted on: Mon, 27 Jan 2014 06:17:47 +0000
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