When I was young, my Mom made me go to church on a regular basis. Regular, as in, in every major Holiday, which happened to be all Religious, and as such there was always a Mass followed by a Procession, which I liked to call the airing of the Saints, and sometimes on Saturdays, but every Sunday. Every Sunday. And every Sunday morning I feigned a very real headache, or tummy ache, or any other ache. I used to pray that I would get a sudden fever, but it never happened. My Mom, very calmly, as she left the house, used to yell out the door: God help you if youre not sitting by me when Mass begins. Looking back now, I should have started with my fake symptoms on the Friday before, but planning has never been my forte, and as such, when I heard the last bell toll, I ran like a mad person out my front door and made it to church just in the nick of time. But while I sat in the pew, with my head bowed and my hands crossed, I was silently cursing everyone and everything around me. I used to use all the bad words I could think of, when the priest was accusing us, and me, of sins yet to be committed, and as I looked up at the saints at the alter, I felt a connection to them. If I stared long enough, I could swear that I noticed them blink, and with their ever present smirk, I felt understood. When Mass was over, I used to sneak out the side door and run as fast as I could back home, and watching from behind the window as everyone spilled out onto the main road, I almost felt lighter, as if a weight had been lifted. I still hate going to church. But now I only go if there is a funeral or a wedding. I dont know which is one is more depressing, but I go willingly, and as I sit there and look at Christ on the cross, I have had an epiphany: Jesus was a very good-lookin dude. Hes all chiseled. Six-pack and all. With a loin cloth that reveals more than it covers, and I cant help but think: why isnt he a fat dude with a beer belly and a balding head? I guess that there are certain traits that never fade. I cant help it.
Posted on: Tue, 11 Nov 2014 03:23:39 +0000