When we moved he stood there with his family and laughed with them in almost church choir unison, I didn’t understand the joke but I knew exactly what they were laughing at. For the first time I am almost ashamed of myself for the meticulous manner in which I arranged and rearrange the furniture to ensure personal perfection so that I can breath within my surroundings. I have created this and I am at peace, I am happy, I am breathing. Yet to them it’s a joke, a joke that I really don’t understand and for the first time I feel humiliated. I know for a fact that our entertainment unit is 2.3mtrs long, and therefore needs ample wall space to ensure that it can be placed at a 45-degree angle to the line of the grout within the floor tiles. The rug will sit exactly one hand space from the edge of the unit creating the same 45-degree angle. It’s this angle that creates the rule for how things must co-exist to create unison and functionality and purpose within the space. The floor rug has a width of 1.3meters and has a length of 2.5. The single chair is .8 that leaves .25meters of rug on each side of the seat, this measurement ensures that the chair is positioned perfectly to the rug and creating a purpose within the room. The sofa lounge is 2.8meters it will therefore square to the end of the rug that catches the eye, it will also sit exactly one hand space away from the other side of the rug, if this plan is followed then the coffee table should align perfectly to the arm of the sofa and the room will now flow in perfect harmony. It is a meticulous order that everything is placed that gives it meaning and existence within the room. I am happy! I would rather have nothing than something that does not create purpose or belonging within its surroundings, I therefore see no purpose in collecting things; the items that I possess have been selected to create harmony and peace within each other. I feel safe; nothing more shall enter and nothing shall leave. I will know if you have moved it! I don’t have photos in picture frames on mantles or placed in patterns on walls; I used to joke that it was because I would not have the people to put in them; but in reality each photo has a change of light, and the colours within each picture would upset the balance that I have created. This is my environment and I am in control of it. I will keep it clean, each week I will start at one end and scrub and wipe each surface to remove the trails and finger marks that have been left behind. Each month I will remove the furniture and disinfect the floors and walls and return the furniture to its exact location, I hate dust. I don’t see anything wrong with this, in-fact I think some people can learn a lesson from it. It is not that I can not have mess in my surroundings I can, I have the ability to leave an empty can or wrapper on a bench just as much as the next person I am not obsessively cleaning, or detailing or checking prior to leaving the room but believe in personal maintenance. It’s clean; it is called respecting yourself and your possessions! I sometimes feel like I am the only one who understands this order and process…. There is a definite safety line between the people that enter my surroundings and myself, I will often sit outside when I know people are coming so that they do the same, I find it a sign of disrespect for you to leave your shoes on in my house without asking. There was a time when I would have considered myself a well-liked person, these days I choose my friends very carefully. I find it easier to maintain associates rather than friends, associates never expect anything in return, there company can be enjoyed but they have a limited expiry date and little need for further information than what you drink at the bar. Friendships require too much time and effort and I simply don’t have the time or passion for the process, if I wanted to maintain and nurture a relationship I would buy a dog, people are not dogs. There was a time not to long ago I had an excess of 2400 contacts on Facebook. I recently deleted half based on hair colour, location and connections with others whom I simply choose to have no association with. I know less then 30 of the remaining contacts personally, 4 of them are straight, 6 of the 30 contacts have been to my home, and 2 have eaten a meal. Of the remaining contacts 5 of these are family, those 5 are also the only females within my list of associates…. none of them have ever been to my home. My family does not know where I live and I set my phone to private if I have to call, they have never asked for the number. Thanks for reading I just wanted to share something with you all…I wrote this in 2011, incapacitated by anxiety and PTSD, I could no longer attend work, I lost my home, I lost my partner and I was no one within myself. Have you ever wondered what it is like to live with a mental disorder? Would you ever want to? And if you did who would you turn to? This Movember please offer your support to Mens Health by making a small donation - you might not realise it but you might just end up helping yourself- mobro.co/ethanriley
Posted on: Thu, 07 Nov 2013 21:43:11 +0000
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