When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, dont take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you dont know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, Hello. I politely said, This is Andrew. Could I please speak with Robin Carter? Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldnt believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robins correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the wrong number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, Youre an assh*le! and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word assh*le next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, Id call him up and yell, Youre an assh*le! It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic assh*le calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. Im just calling to see if youre familiar with the Caller ID program? He yelled, NO! and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, Thats because youre an assh*le! One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a For Sale sign in his car window ...so, I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first assh*le, (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW assh*le too. I said, Is this the man with the black BMW for sale? Yes, it is. Can you tell me where I can see it? Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. Its a yellow house, and the cars parked right out in front. Whats your name? I asked. My name is Don Hansen, he said. Whens a good time to catch you, Don? Im home every evening after five. Listen, Don, can I tell you something? Yes? Don, youre an assh*le. Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assh*les to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasnt as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Assh*le #1. Hello. Youre an assh*le! (But I didnt hang up.) Are you still there? he asked. Yeah, I said. Stop calling me, he screamed. Make me, I said. Who are you? he asked. My name is Don Hansen. Yeah? Where do you live? Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black beamer parked in front. He said, Im coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers. I said, Yeah, like Im really scared, assh*le. Then I called Assh*le #2. Hello? he said. Hello, assh*le, I said. He yelled, If I ever find out who you are... Youll what? I said. Ill kick your ass, he exclaimed. I answered, Well, asshole, heres your chance. Im coming over right now. Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two assh*les beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew. NOW, I feel better! Anger management at its very best.
Posted on: Tue, 12 Aug 2014 07:53:57 +0000
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