Where to begin….. Started the day off with a smile and am bound and determined to end it with a smile. They say all things are possible thru Christ Strength…but sometimes when you are at your weakest moments, you think, (well at least I think) how is it possible…where is the strength that I need. Today was one of those days. The physical, emotional, and mental side took a toll on me tonight. It’s not very often that I just break down and lose it…but today was one of those days….Some may say…dude is weak…dude is a wussy…dude is to soft…I’d never put that I cried on facebook….but in order for us to accept who we are as people or even accept who we are as ourselves…openess allows others, who can relate, know they too are normal and are not alone…A voice for one is a voice for many. Today many things hit me all at once. I need to come to grips with myself and reality….there will always be a part of me that is obese…..there will always be a part of me that will want the bad foods….there will always be struggles/obstacles and road blocks that will challenge me. I sometimes go with blinders on….thinking I’ve won the battle…when in reality…I haven’t… Even losing almost 60lbs..even losing a lot of inches…even with the positive comments and encouragements…I will always have those anchors somewhere and at my weakest moment they will show up….Damn them anchors… Today….I didn’t let the anchors win. I noticed something different….I was bringing MG to one of her friend’s house for a sleep over. They live about 30 minutes away from our house. Beautiful day, windows down…me and MG enjoying the ride….there are about (at the time, what I felt was) 1000 restaurant chains on the drive there and back. McDonalds, Taco Bell, Wendys, Krystals, Bakeries, Zaxbys, Hooters, Pizza Hut, the list can go on and on…..why but why, I felt the need to stop at each one….I am thankful for the ride there that MG was with me and we were running late….so I couldn’t stop…but as each place I passed….I mentally placed my order….Is that normal?....literally thought about what I would eat at EACH place. We got to MG’s friend’s house, dropped her off…and headed back home……The cycle started over….I first passed a cajun place that was serving boiled crawfish…the temptation was there…but I couldn’t stop quick enough…but thought about turning around…..stopped at a red light and quickly caught myself....I mentally began placing my orders as I passed each restaurant. I became more stressed, more emotional, more physically hungry, and frustrated at myself. The drive became longer…I hit every red light….and would think....well what if I stopped here and get only one item… what will it hurt….each red light became longer……I felt so out of control….I couldn’t get home fast enough…I couldn’t find any comfort….except for the food that was crossing my mind….as I was driving closer home….my eyes began to water….my heart began to pound harder…..my hands began to get sweaty as I gripped the steering wheel stronger…..I just wanted out of the truck…I just wanted to be home with foods that I knew that was safe to eat…..I pull into the drive way….I felt like someone took 100lb weights off my back….I got into the house and broke down….I had to walk outside in the back yard to compose myself….to think about what happened…why did it happen….what was I faced with….how will I not let it happen again…..I asked God to help me…to guide me…to lift me up….to strengthen me…to Love me when I don’t love myself…..I walked back into the house feeling somewhat better…..my bride knew immediately something was wrong…..she knew I had anchors weighing me down….she knew my heart was heavy…she knew my struggles were getting to me…..she grabbed my hand and said I’m here…it will be okay….you are doing good….we are so proud of you…..and then embraced me….WOW….Love..…pure Love….unconditional Love…Godly Love….that is what strength is…that is where strength comes from….that is what I hope I give to myself and others I come in contact with….but most of all…That is what I hope I give to my bride….the Strength of LOVE…as she has given me... THANK GOD for the people who commented on my post…who prayed…who took the time to encourage…and support….I am grateful for all of you ……I promise you and myself……A Change Is Coming…..
Posted on: Sat, 05 Apr 2014 03:38:30 +0000
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