White walls at 3 am tell me grief-stricken whispers in my ears as my brain manifests agonizing memories to torture me and take away the least bit of contentment I have in me. My bed sheets hug my lifeless body giving me warmth that I know I will never feel by a human being. I dont deserve to be loved, to feel loved or caressed by someone who Im stupid enough to think actually loves me. I dont deserve the company of another person, for they have much better things to do than to spend time with a monochrome person like me. The words that come out of my mouth dont matter, never really did. The breath I breathe from my lifeless lungs has no meaning or purpose. My thoughts and my achievements or actions will never change the world or tribute to society, just collect dust. If I think Im actually going to do something significant or inspiring and make something out of my life then Im delusional. Ive become best friends with a man named failure and a woman named rejection. They stop by more than theyre welcome and take away any dreams or hope that I have and I apprehensively wait for their next visit. Confidence and joy used to be good friends of mine but they dont come around too often. I know when I hear a knock on the door of my heart and soul, its not going to be anyone I want to see. Im haunted by the anxiety for the unknown future I have ahead of me. Its like swimming in black water or walking with a blind fold on. For someone whose about to be free and let out of the bird cage in a year, Ive never felt so trapped. Im wasting my life by procrastinating and sitting alone in my room. Im running and running away from myself into an endless terrifying oblivion of my own torturous thoughts. And for awhile I actually thought things were getting better, but that feeling was shattered like a mirror thrown from a mile away. I didnt have these thoughts and feelings for no reason, the people around me put them in my head and now I can still hear their voices and I can see the memories replaying in my head like an old vhs tape. I wonder what they would say or how they would feel if they knew how they made me feel; just how much their words and actions can effect my thoughts and actions in the middle of the night. I dont want them to know, I dont want anyone to know, I dont want to bother them with my mournful blabbing and theres just this scared part of me that doesnt want to tell them in fear that they wouldnt care. I dont see why they would. I love the people around me, I care for them and their presence makes me really happy sometimes but unfortunately I dont think the feeling is mutual for them. I love and care too much for people who forget me, ignore me and make me feel like this almost every night. I only keep them around because Im afraid that if Im alone Ill go entirely insane. Im hanging from a thread and it takes the tiniest thing to drag me down into a pit of self hatred and hopelessness. Im holfing onto a ledge trying to keep myself up from the weights that are tied to my feet. Just when I think I can get out of the water, another weight is added on and I start to slowly sink into an abyss of insanity. You would normally see me walking down the school hallways, looking normal and put together, but inside I am rotting and I feel nothing more than a worthless corpse walking amongst humans with a smile on their faces and hope and love in their hearts while my heart is beating, but not alive. When I speak, my voice shakes, speaking doesnt come easy to me. I used to be such a flamboyant and vivid character until I was judged and brought down by the ones I loved most. Eventually after being brought down so much its become difficult for me to express my opinion, thoughts or emotions. I get so scared just by people looking at me for a little too long. I dont like drawing attention to myself but at the same time I crave it. People point out my flaws as if I havent carved them into my skin before. I remind myself everyday of my flaws and when someone points them out its ten times worse and they almost choke me half to death. Im terrified that maybe one day all of this will eventually kill me. Im not a strong person, the word strong is very foreign to me. I break at the littlest things its ridiculous. Im scared that one day Im just not going to be able to take it; it will all be a gigantic pill thats hard to swallow. Im not saying I necessarily want to die, Im just saying once Im drowning I have no control over what I do and that terrifies me.
Posted on: Tue, 13 Jan 2015 22:01:07 +0000