“Why are you so lucky to be up walking around?” (a rambling essay from my tired brain) I saw a quote that said “everyone we meet teaches us something.” It goes along with another quote I see a lot: People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Both make me think about a lot of “strange” occurrences that have been happening during this season of adjustment and change in my life. From February to May of this year, life seemed like an unending avalanche of struggles. Of course I have experienced other stormy seasons in my life but this chunk of time was by far the most difficult. In mid-February, I spent a weekend in Illinois with my sister as her condition was rapidly deteriorating. We shared some precious, private moments alone in her room while I laid with her on her bed, holding her hand. I returned home and Sabrina had her surgery on February 27. We were told that day she did not have cancer. The next week we were at her surgeon’s office and she told us the final pathology said it was cancer. She had to recover from her surgery before they could start her treatment. On March 19, I got a text at work from my sister’s phone but it was my brother-in-law saying Tina wanted to see me. She was back in the hospital and going on hospice care. I dropped everything, turned off my computer, told my boss what was going on, went home to get my daughter (who was still recovering from surgery) and a few clothes, then headed to Illinois for a couple of days. It turned out to be two weeks. Eleven long, difficult days in the hospital and several extra days for helping plan and to attend the funeral where I actually found the courage to get up and speak about my amazing sister. We returned home on a Thursday night and the very next day went to an appointment with Sabrina’s endocrinologist to determine the best way to treat her cancer. She had to do a couple of weeks on a miserable low iodine diet that turned into almost a month then she did her treatment and isolation period. She also finished her senior year with really good grades and we got to enjoy the celebration of her graduation. My mom stayed an extra week but she left this morning. In between all of the other stuff, I have been trying to stay caught up at work, working from home and on weekends when I couldn’t be there during the week. I’m not sure I can work enough to make up all the financial setbacks. There isn’t enough elastic in dollar bills to make them stretch as far as they need to. We are definitely living on faith. In addition to everything else, my wonderful son has also gone through some struggles that I won’t share on here. He is always on my mind and in my heart. The word overwhelming can’t begin to describe how the last four months have been. Things are settling down a bit. The chaos is melting into calm. Now I find myself pondering things that happened during this time that in subtle ways kept me from falling apart, and helped make and shape a new perspective about everything for me. There is not enough time to tell all of them, and some I deliberately choose to keep as treasures in my heart, but I will share three occasions where brief moments taught me big lessons. People may call them coincidence or happenstance but I believe it was the work of God. One day I was in Wal-Mart in Murfreesboro, feeling way too stressed and a little angry about things. I was feeling road rage, shopping rage, life rage… Suddenly a woman stormed out of the ladies room as I walked in. She blurted out “I’m about to snap, crackle, pop, and go BOOM!” Then she was gone. Was I at that point? Lord, please don’t let me get to that point. Calm me down, Lord. Calm my spirit. Don’t let me get to the point where I rage to a stranger and definitely not to my family. Help me keep things in check. I prayed throughout the day. That little encounter was an attitude adjustment from Heaven and a reminder to not let stress steal my peace. Of course my stress level still rises every now and then but my self-calming mechanism is working a lot better than it did. I pray for the woman I remember as BOOM – that whatever it was that had her stressed got resolved without her snapping and that she finds inner peace. Another day I was feeling unattractive and bad about myself. I look like I’ve aged twenty years in the last four months and I am not losing weight as easily as I would like to. I was angry with the mirror that day for showing me myself. Within minutes of leaving the house, a woman walked passed me. She wasn’t attractive by society standards. She was heavy and dressed in clashing clothes but she had this huge smile on her face. It was the kind of smile that overrides anything else – a deep from her heart smile. Okay, God, I remember it’s what’s on the inside that counts. It’s your grace, love, and joy that make a person beautiful. Of course I still want to get in shape and feel better about my physical appearance (and feel better physically) but anyone who really matters will see beneath all that to who I am on the inside - a unique, intelligent, nerdy girl with a good heart and nice ear lobes. I pray for the woman who only spoke to me with a beautiful smile – that she never forgets how beautiful she is and that people will see that beauty like I did when she passed me. (Another thing about that day – after the encounter with the lady, I was listening to the radio in the car when Troubador by George Strait came on. I love the song and have listened to it way too many times but the first part of the second verse really stood out too me that day: “Well, the truth about a mirror is that a damned old mirror dont really tell the whole truth. It dont show whats deep inside…” God got my attention via a lady with a beautiful smile and a cowboy with powerful lyrics.) The moment that left the biggest impression on me happened when my sister was in the hospital. My brother-in-law kept a very detailed journal of my sister’s last days in the hospital, as well as his and other people’s memories. He is the story keeper and I think he will share some more of the stuff he journaled as time goes by. But one moment on one day made, and continues to make, an impact on me. Tina was still somewhat coherent that day. I was sitting by her bed while my sister-in-law, Denise, was helping her eat some of that famous chocolate ice cream. My sister wanted something to drink so I got up to get her cup. Out of the blue she mumbled “why are you so lucky to be up walking around?” Most people might just blow the comment off, but it hit me like a punch to the gut. I had been wondering the same thing. Why was my sister in a bed dying while I was up walking around? I thought God was taking the wrong sister. She was so dedicated to helping people in emergency situations, she had a husband who adored her, her youngest child was only thirteen…and Tina without Angela would be a lot better than Angela without Tina. The question was so out of character for her. Throughout her cancer battle, she would say I will never ask God “why?” She was determined to trust His will and accept her fate. I have texts from her with those thoughts. But maybe that day, when she was so weak that she could barely sit up and I could walk across her room, it seemed a little unfair. I knew she would give anything to be up with her kids, running with her husband, and working down in the ER instead of laying in a bed on a different floor. But she would never walk around on this earth again because she died there in that bed about a week later. The words that once stung me now motivate me. Her words are like a gift to remind me to treasure everything. I have a sticky note by my bed that reads “Why are you so lucky to be up walking around? ~ Tina O’Connor” I see it in the morning and remember to thank God for everything. I know another avalanche could come any day. I could lose another family member or I could be the one wishing I could get up. I need to remember to make the most of everyday I can walk around in. I don’t know if I believe EVERYONE you meet will teach you something but I think we miss a lot of lessons by focusing on other details. I could have let the avalanche bury me but I chose to draw strength from my God, my sister, my daughter, and other people in my life. I could have thought the woman coming out of the restroom was a jerk then got more stressed and angry but I saw God making a point through her. I could have wondered why the woman in the crazy clothes was smiling at me but I saw God smiling at me through her and reminding me that I am beautiful in His eyes. I could have let my sister’s question just vanish into the intensity of emotions at the hospital but I see it as a reminder to be grateful for the time I have with the people I love. She taught me so much in this life and her simple question turned into a final lesson. Her words also remind me that she is up walking in a place I cannot even imagine without pain or struggles. Now who is the lucky one?
Posted on: Tue, 03 Jun 2014 01:49:00 +0000
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