Wibbly wobbly timey wimey. Midnight rolling the end of one into the beginning of another, cueing millions (including myself) to examine all their thens and to-bes and right-nows, and yet with no real circadian alteration...nothing actually any different from 11:59 to 12:00. Just the mental marker that means yesterday puts the packing tape on the regret of the last year, and today rips open the possibilities of this one. This is long, but there are a few of you out there that might like to know what that looks like for me this year. Here it is, if youre curious. Looking back on my thens, I see with much relief that Ive grown. (Not as much as I wish, but grown nonetheless.) Looking ahead at my to-bes, I see with much relief that Im not completed. (Ive come a distance, but still much farther to go.) For both, Im incredibly grateful. The right-nows are tougher. Theyre the only ones in the set that require actual action and decision (since they are grown from the thens and determine the to-bes). So, I asked my God what Hed like to see for my right-nows this year. He pulled out a mirror and a scalpel. Yikes. The mirror revealed some things to me which took me by complete surprise. I think we usually assume were aware of our ugliest spots, so when something shows up in the mirror we werent aware of, its terribly exposing. Ive spent the last week or so squirming and assimilating this new information, wanting to hide, but knowing it would only delay the necessary. What Im horrified to find is that Ive driven myself into mediocrity and called it something noble. Avoidance in the name of boundaries. Placation in the name of harmony. Pride in the name of insecurity. All rooted in fear of fear. Fear in the name of wisdom. This last year has been an exceptionally painful one. So much loss. So much trauma. Ive found myself repeatedly commenting that nothing feels safe, why isnt anything safe, how can I get back to safe. Ive shaken my fist at Him for it. But the thing is, He isnt safe. He never promised that. I put those words in His mouth and then railed Him for not living up to them. Safe is not His priority. But I have made it mine because, as I now realize, Im so desperate not to feel those physical symptoms of fear. It has even become more important to me than the actualization of His intention for me. Anxiety creeps into that nook below the left side of my collar bone (its there even as I write this), and it has been my response to make it stop by any means necessary. Ive pushed it down, bottled it up, numbed it, avoided it, rebuked it, and if all else fails, shut myself off completely. I have made decision after decision with the aim of avoiding that fear-feeling (thats manufactured peace). Ive done everything except look it square in the eyes, feel it in its entirely, and push through it to see what is on the other side. The result is a moderate existence with muted effectiveness. And now that I see it, I can have none of it. Thats where the scalpel comes in. (And what a mercy. How cruel it would be for Him to hand me the mirror with no scalpel.) Time to cut the rot out. I aim to be fearless. This doesnt mean Im setting out to not ever feel fear again. I dont believe thats realistic or healthy. I will quite certainly feel it, probably more than before. What it means is the fear will no longer set my ceiling. It means every decision in front of me will be examined for fear and the avoidance of it. No more fear-based decisions. And when that panic shows up, I aim to feel every inch of it and not run away. Ill push through it and see what the Lord has for me beyond it. It will hurt and be uncomfortable, but it wont direct my steps. Not anymore. Thats His job. Im excited. And, of course, terrified. This year is likely going to look very different than its predecessors. Time to grow some more. And thank goodness for that. Here we go. Fearless 15.
Posted on: Fri, 02 Jan 2015 03:22:08 +0000
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