Winter blues! Its not a word I use often but can I just say January...get lost. This is also another month and a few days closer to the 6 year anniversary of my sisters passing. January 26th. Cadia Rose was just barely 7 months old. I dont care if my occasional grief posts make anyone uncomfortable. April Pawlak deserves to be remembered more than anything. She loved to feed CR her bottle and have her fall asleep in her arms. She bought her little cherry blossom onesies. It was all she could do and it was hard knowing it could be her last. That time was fraught with upset. Of knowing the end was near. She knew it. We all did. She had to leave her Kindergarten students at EWMA; I hated knowing this. Early childhood and grad school, her warm heart and knowledge of special education. Kids with autism. They wouldnt get any more of her. Cleaning out her materials at EWMA was the most difficult thing I ever had to do. That was our bond, you know. Ill never regret going back and forth to MI time after time, month after month to see April in the final stretch. It wasnt easy with a new baby and pushing a stroller through slush, snow, and wind chills of 27 below zero. Those howling winds, oddly - made our baby laugh and whoop with displaced joy! She was wrapped like a snow baby but still those crystal snowflakes blowing by her were hilarious. Thank God for those little moments. This baby, and her timing cushioned the fall; left us with sunshine when skies were gray, and made the intense cold of traveling through loss just that much warmer. I also remember seeing certain people and having helping hands in finding a place to stay. For my little family of three, and also for Aprils last moments heading into hospice. You all know who you are. And I want you to know that every single day of my life I thank God for you. No one ever says, quality of death. But truly, thats how it went down. Maybe my January memories are slightly brighter now...in some ways rehashing, rewriting remembering the kindnesses folded so care-fully into that time are really all I need to get through this month. My favorite American poet, Mary Oliver wrote The Uses of Sorrow. She says: *(in my sleep i dreamed this poem) Someone I loved once gave me a box of darkness It took me years to understand, that this too was a gift.* -------- Thank you for being this gift. ❤️
Posted on: Sat, 03 Jan 2015 03:49:20 +0000
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