Wow! Yesterday was a day all over the “emotions board” for me. I wanted to remain positive for my sweet Sheba and Sugar Bear and THEIR day, but the closer the hour came to begin getting ready and then leaving for church, the closer I felt I was coming to losing my sanity. I finally decided I needed to go to Corrie’s grave before attempting putting on my makeup. I didn’t budget the 35 minutes I sat there crying at the mound of dirt with grass growing on top of it. I just kept thinking: if I could continue to cry it might get rid of my pain, sadness and feeling of being cheated out of my daughters big day, then maybe I could go to the church and actually feel the joy watching this most blessed sacrament of marriage….once again…those irrational thoughts that somehow seem rational. The church was stunning in its decorations, the wedding attendants, every one of them in their matching dresses looked beautiful, both mama of the bride and mama of the groom looked beautiful, and finally one absolutely gorgeous bride plus one adorable and handsome groom equaled one of the most blessed and happy couples I have had the pleasure of watching as they exchanged their vows. I will be honest, I didn’t know if I would be able to keep my promise to Elizabeth about signing their marriage certificate as a witness because church rules say any witness cannot be further than a certain distance from the alter and be able to hear the couple exchange vows, which meant for us we were in the pew behind the brides mom and dad. Ronnie was looking at the wedding program and saw our baby’s name right where it would have been had this lifemare not begun and the saw her name again where it was listed in the section dedicated to the couples loved ones memorial. Surreal. I really thought I would have to take Ronnie outside but he was able to get it under control again. Amazing how we are getting better at stopping the flow of our sobbing. I sat there wondering what it would have been like to actually sit in the front church pew as mama of the bride, what I would have felt as I watched the man I pledged my life to over 30 years ago walk our Princess Freckles down the aisle and she would undoubtedly been glowing as her daddy‘s heart broke to give his little girl away to her soon to be spouse, to know that feeling that all of the probable bickering and clashing we would have done regarding wedding details was all over and we gave our baby the wedding of her dreams, to know she was so happy, to sit in that pew with my vision clouded with tears of joy instead of tears brought on by death. The candle lighters lit the candles to the same song Ronnie and I used in our wedding when our candles were lit “THE ROSE“ by Bette Midler, then the wedding party came down the aisle. I thought. “ok Peg here we go you better hang on to it”, riiiighhttt. I did get teary eyed when I watched many of Corrie’s beautiful girlfriends come down the aisle because I began to remember all the times they were at our house, and all the fun and laughing that could be heard in what use to be my home, but what I wasn’t prepared for was the way her wonderful and loving life-friend Elizabeth chose to honor her Cordawg. I totally, and I do mean totally, lost it when the best man, Cam, brother of Adam, walked down the aisle alone with what would have been Corrie’s bouquet which was encrusted with bling and a lit candle that had Corrie’s picture on it. Cam set both on a table that was located around the same place Corrie would have stood as she witnessed her LITBETH become a married woman. The little flower girl followed wearing a dress made for her from Corrie’s dress. That’s it, roll me up and put me to bed folks. Thank you Betsy Lauf, for turning and taking my hand to get me through what was a crushing emotional yet beautiful tribute to my daughter and thank you for sharing your beautiful daughters day and honoring Corrie with so much love and class. We made it through the ceremony, I signed the marriage certificate and then it was time to say good bye to the couple and many of Corrie’s friends that were there because we just couldn’t bring ourselves to go to the reception. I heard the decorations were indescribably gorgeous, (once again mama of the bride Betsy Lauf you rock) and so much fun. Elizabeth, make sure you let us know when the wedding CD is ready. I truly hope anyone reading this, even if you don’t know us, will realize we knew yesterday didn’t and shouldn’t belong to Corrie, it didn’t, she was remembered and that made this broken mama’s heart feel warm even for just a little bit. We are truly happy for Elizabeth and Adam, I just made a vow I would write as long as the Holy Spirit asked it of me WHAT this grief was like and that is what I am trying to do now. One thing that I am so disappointed in is I really thought I would be able to feel Corrie in church but I didn’t. Maybe it was so hopefully Elizabeth felt her buddy standing next to her, or maybe I pissed Corrie off when I pounded that mound of grassy dirt and collapsing after crying so hard that she just plum decided she wanted no part of this crazy mama’s drama Melissa Baker: we heard you were phenomenal in reading Corrie’s Maid of Honor speech she wrote over a year ago. I remember her telling me she had to get “that speech” done. Corrie wrote it right after Elizabeth became engaged, they way she had an urgency to “get it done” makes me wonder again, DID SHE KNOW HER TIME WAS SHORT? I don’t know and I am really so tired of trying to figure out the “If’s” and “Why’s” of this mess. So once again, congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. Adam Berendzen, the Lauf and Berendzen families. Bring on the baby Sugar Bears and baby Sheba’s!! Now to prepare ourselves for Sat. the 27th, where we will again watch two people Corrie dearly loved, her cousin Garrett Talken (partner in crime from day one!) and her sweet Breanne, sisters in “the POOF”. Once again, Belle would not miss your day and neither will Uncle Lippy and Aunt Peg. Love you two critters. So today is another of those freakin Sybil days of sadness from mourning dreams that will never come true for our baby or fractured family, and the realization that family and friends can’t be stuck with us, but must move on in order to create their memories. Maybe one day we will “catch up” with the rest of the world, just not going to be today or probably near future. Our grief counselor told us to plan on it taking at least 2 years to get to this point, dear God in Heaven, if these 2 ½ months have been this excruciatingly painful and sad, how do we go another 21 ½ months? By believing in this bible passage: Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not to your own understanding. No challenge on day of rest except: 3 kisses and ILY’s … God bless, LET GO LET GOD, Dimes, pink skies & stars, mismatched socks, magic rocks. lost crock pots, wet puppy dog smells, quiet time, holding hands, I LOVE YOU’s, 3 kisses, summer rains, strong daddies, HOPE, PB&J sandwiches, two handed hugs, double rainbows, wax paper art, Angel feathers and Unicorns.
Posted on: Sun, 21 Sep 2014 18:50:38 +0000
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015