Wrapping up day 2 of my vacation. I find myself in wonderment over everything. Where I am, how far Ive come, what I had to do to get here, what was said, done and felt, and how others have been affected. And I must say, this is the most mixed up my life has ever been. I have both helped and hurt people that mean the world to me. I helped to set my mother and sister free from a degrading lifestyle that only dampened them down and kept them from growing, but not without leaving the most influential person in my life that helped unlock potential in me in a way no other soul has, and with no chance in repairing what I damaged as I painfully discovered over the course of a year. I have sought out to expand and evolve in my craft to better myself as a musician and artist, but I have also seemed to slowly lose my sense of personal connection and social interaction with people. I feel that as I try to better myself I lose touch of what I already have, as well as who. I drove off an old friend and a new acquaintance out of my own irritability and sense of conscience within the past three days. And today I witnessed the after affects of another person who had stooped down to a low level over some of the same emotional turmoil Ive been suffering as of late. This past year has given me so many different perspectives and philosophy that I dont know how to feel or what to believe anymore. So how does one find balance amidst such chaos? With so much going on at once it makes it hard to distinguish whats needed and whats desired. My heart wants what I cant have and my brain longs for a different approach, one that would require a sense of apathy to let go of how I feel. In other words, I need to become heartless in areas that mean everything to me. As a musician I strive at all costs to avoid this, for my craft requires raw emotion as fuel. I have known for a long while that I have a capacity to endure, and its a character trait I am both proud and ashamed of. Ive come a long way in the punches I have taken in life, but I have also held myself back as well. Being used to this can make you as hard as iron, but it will also keep you grounded. The more I try to improve myself, the less in touch with others I get. I dont feel as if I relate to people anymore, or that I do but they dont feel like I do. Case in point, I see the problem but have yet to find a solution. I hold no religious beliefs and see no need to use religion as another distraction as some with problems do, taking away the whole purpose of healing one self and simply focusing on what feels good. Change has been a cruel force of chaotic nature, but it hasnt killed me and has brought about newer perspective on life as a whole. I have to keep pursuing this unknown before it consumes me. Figure out how it works and how to live off it before I let it destroy me through anger and fear. Ive come this far and I believe I can, but I need more positive results to keep that already fragile optimism. I am trying, as best as I can with what little I know how to do, to see the positive in these changes. I will be back to a regular gigging schedule after this weekend is up, and I need to re-absorb the atmosphere of what Ive spent my whole life devoting and growing from. This is an adventure.....
Posted on: Wed, 13 Aug 2014 04:57:30 +0000
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