YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD OF BEANS INDUCED CONVULSION I don’t care where you went to school. I want you to know you did not suffer. I want you to know it was kindergarten, even if you say you went to hell. which you did not by the way, or did you? I’m suspicious of everyone these days. Because if you did school in hell, I would do the impossible, I would find a Nigerian maiden, who has never in the biblical sense been “known by any man”. You didn’t suffer because ,YOU DID NOT GO TO Federal Government College Ohafia(FGC). And I don’t need to waste time inferring that of the gods, me and Amadioha are having some having legal issues over some missing goats anyway. (the gods must be stingy) THE BEANS FROM HELL Gbeans, beans, Bb. It has many names, anyone you choose to call it, even the Oyibo man calls it “peas”. The point here is, Gbeans as we called it in FGC Ohafia was an essential part of the Fgc ohafias timetable, accompanied with Garri Oto as we called it, it was the only meal scientifically proven to fill the stomach, lemme explain the science for those of you who are Ajebutter, you see when you pour H2O into garri, it releases a chain of reactions, causing the size of the garri in the bowl to increase simultaneously with the water, you grab? mathematically speaking, “amount of water added is directionally proportional to the size of garri achieved” they don’t teach you this in school, because Obama and Oga Jonah want you to continue buying expensive food to fuel the economy you didn’t hear it from me oh! Anyway, this one evening all the fine young cannibals had assembled in the refectory to make feast with hot plates of beans gbeans , the scientist had poured cups of water into their garri, to begin their “soak and travel” experiments, the usual slaps had been dealt to the defaulting juniors from the beastly seniors, all was set we said prayers and commenced to ingest the 5 star delicacy as we had done in previous times, we ate, laughed, talked in hushed tones, got slapped, soaked garri, got slapped, traveled to our imaginary villages till the garri had risen like the mount everest, drank, got slapped, flogged and pounced upon, the usual Fgc ohafia evening, nothing special or so we thought, then we proceeded to night prep to get slapped while we tried to read our books or sleep or play or gist or whatever, it didnt matter either way we got slapped. “I AM FINISHED OH, HEY OH, OH MY GOD OH, EWOO, EWOO” the cries seemed to have broken out from nowhere, we needed not wonder who it was for long, for minutes later we saw a weeping housemaster “Iron Spotty” and yes we named him after The Spotty head used in our spotty cream tv advert, we were shocked to see Goro weeping, for Iron spotty was not just any ordinary man, he was a “grab” one. Before long we had already guessed wrongly, what the issue was, see we assumed a student had fainted while Iron Spotty was in the business of delivering justice in the form of a fat rod, on the lean backside, and the student, not being able to withstand the forceful currents of a NEPA pole on his bonga-fish-like BumBum had fainted. But we were wrong, for seconds later, pandemonium broke out in all the classes, students who were either, reading gisting or getting slapped, suddenly collapsed and were vibrating in imbecilic spasms of breakdance like convulsions, spoons were being shoved into salivating mouths, and the life draining Night Prep was officially over, hence, chances of getting slapped, slimmer. The Lord works in mysterious ways. We moved to the Chapel to say prayers, because that’s what Africans do when they see trouble, “this is great” , I thought to myself as the prayer commenced, I closed my eyes and visualized my bed, it was beautiful, all was beautiful, but when I opened my eyes, I was met with the not-so- beautiful face of the boy beside me. His eyes had rolled to the back of his head maybe he could even see his brain , he had his tongue out, and his body, jerking in spasms of muscular convulsions like the zombies in that Michael Jackson video, crashed head first to the ground kpom or was it gbooza? I can’t recall. Well I don’t know what happened next, because I backflipped away from the pew where we were standing, before the “evil spirits” got me too. We moved to the hostel, people began to tell ghost stories, claiming it was this witch and that ancestral curse on the school bla bla bla, well in the end, it was confirmed, its was not any witch or wizard. It was Gbeans. It was Gbeans poisoning, it was brought to our knowledge that “purple rats” purple had been lurking around the kitchen store, pissing, defecating, mating and giving birth in the bean bags, hence, infection, hence BEANS INDUCED CONVULSIONS. I have had dreams where after a breakdance session with an overweight guy the fatty being the dance instructor, I was chased by a rainbow coloured, dog/goat hybrid released upon me by a Light skinned shawty with small hips, but purple rats? NEVER Well, the story never advanced from there, and we continued with our beans eating routine like it never happened, well, who can blame us? I dont care about the girls, Boys were hungry ….
Posted on: Fri, 10 Oct 2014 09:27:43 +0000
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