not sure what my deal is today. struggling to not feel sorry for myself. feeling guilty for feeling sorry for myself. feeling guilty because there are so many out there who have things waaaaaay worse than I do. why cant I just be appreciative for what God has given me. I am. I, truly, am. I hope He knows that. feeling frustrated with myself for wanting this to be over after my (brief in comparison) one -year and seven month battle. tired of looking in the mirror at myself with a less than whole womanhood. I know I know! it isnt what is on the outside. but, chances are, you have both of your boobicals and no ugly scars. you dont worry about what youre going to wear so your port doesnt show and you cant wear what you used to wear because, well, you just dont feel pretty. im not searching for anyone to tell me im beautiful. im not soliciting missie, you are an amazing fighter award. im, simply, dealing. this is the part of dealing that sucks. the nights when you cant shut your mind down and keep it from going there. the minutes before your shower where you look at your reflection and long for your old lopsided boobicals. the pre-cansah ones that you used to complain were not even the same size! the time when wearing pink only meant that you really liked the color. I know it wasnt long ago that I, sincerely, thanked God for giving me the cansah. I still feel that way. but, im done with it now. Ive proven I can withstand losing ALL of my hair and strut a bald head proudly. Ive proven I can have my boobical removed, lymph nodes removed and drains installed and still dance in the hallway. Ive proven I can get thru 30 rounds of radation. 3rd degree burns covering my neck, chest, underarm and shoulder. Ive proven I can, bravely, accept a new diagnosis 2 weeks after I think im finally thru the worst of it. Ive proven myself! what else is there to prove? im. done. well, not really. i will get thru it. i will verbally vomit on facebook from time to time. i will stay up late watching documentaries on Netflix so my thoughts dont go there. i will apply the false eyelashes and comb my bangs to the other side because the hair isnt quite back to its pre-cansah thickness. i will ride my bike another time across the grand state of iowa. i will run another half-marathon. i will be here a long time and you will all tell me congratulations when my treatments are finished. i will, once again, wear pink just because i like the effin color! but, for now, i just need to cry. that. is. all.
Posted on: Tue, 01 Apr 2014 03:02:17 +0000
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