ramblings/ venting/ updates: Ive been up just about 2 & 1/2 hrs and already feel a nap is needed. Got up at 8:23 am to a phoine call... then had to go out to the bank 2 hrs. earlier than expected to get $ to pay my rent. rolled out of bed and threw on a sweat shirt and slippers and went out like that... Yes, I actually did that Marisa, LOL! Ive come a long way that one day about a yr ago or so when I wore mismatched clothes because they were comfy instead of dressing up or just dressing nice even though I was gonna just be hiome in bed as I used to always dress nice no matter what... I have many of those days now when Im just home and all day or most of the day I will wear my pjs &/or mismatched comfy clothes and even now I wear sweat suits sometimes ( thats a very recent thing thank you Paula Degearo for giving me thoise comfy sweats and making me realize how damn comfy they are! Ive only had a couple times like today where Ill actually go out in public not dressed nice/ dressed up. Usually on times when I HAVE to go out but really dont feel like it and its a quick thing... anyways I HAVE since gotten dressed nice a short time ago because I am expecting my good friend Jim to come by at some point today... although I have also worn lounge around clothes and pjs around my good close friends sometimes too more recently... Dressing up on the regular/ daily or as I used to even change outfits and accessorize to match each even multidaily regularly too, it just takes sooo much energy these days that I just dont have... I still do it... I cant lie... its just not nearly as much as I used to and not nearly as perfectionistic. When I do, it definitely still classifies as nice/ dressy and perfectionisticly put together Im sure... but its not as much so and not as often... Ive let loose a lot in comparison to a yr ago... even compared to a few months ago... And the wearing of the sweats just began in Oct. when I visited NY. I wore them the past 2 days in a row ( different pairs ) during the daytime. Energy conservationhas become more impoirtant ( much of the time but not all the time ) to me than wardrobe/ dressing nice/ dressing up. Although I STILL LOVE it... and I wish I had more energy to do it more often still... but I no longer freak out about noit being dressed up. There was a time Id freak out if I was in the hospital and didnt have real clothes to wear and although Id let it slide to be a bit more comfy most times in hospital it styill had to look nice and match perfectly... but then I HAD to werar real clothes instead of hospital clothes no matter how sick I was and would be upset and very anxious if the hospital staff wouldnt let me for cardiac monitor and ivs and such... and I hated / still hate the hospital gowns... ugly, big, like an old sheet... soI actually got my own cuter looking hospital pjs to wear and got several pairs in a couple doifferent styles... But they were when I was wearing pediatric hospital pjs back in April 2013 and prior... they no longer fit me... and that gives me anxiety w/ the ED... but logically I know its good thing... and it now brings me mixed feelings... I am still working on being ok w/ that... I am doing the best I can. I am not glorifying having been that size and not boasting... I am just being honest that I still struggle to be ok w/ not being that size anymore... and I still struggle to accept it and not wish I were still that size... I still have the disorder BIG time... Im just fighting everyday all day to do the best I can in each moment to do what I logically know is best for me and what my treatment pros tell me is best for me because my mind -0 even knowing the logic - often the irrational ED mindset would win if I wenjt by just my own thoughts/ feelings/ ideas... so I work hard and fight and do my best to remember to always trust the pros and that they DO have my best interest at hand... but all this added and extreme fluids and steroid weight is really toying w/ me/ my mind more and more lately... and it is MUCH
Posted on: Mon, 04 Nov 2013 18:52:23 +0000