sitting, waiting, watching, feeling. I have struggled over the past little while, broken down car, taking a look and dredging up the past to write about it, challenges a plenty. Things that make me go hmmm, make me back up and wonder ok, universe, what are you trying to get me to know, to pay attention to. Challenges which brought up major pain and incredible defeat, challenges which at one point would have taken me completely out of the gig. Darkness which feels doomed and desperate at best, but what I know about life is it is filled with joy and sorrow and everything in between and that it is in deed a process. Resistance is a natural reaction and yet, doesnt allow me to go to solution when I am sitting in victim. What is, is, is a powerful tool, but only when I engage it and trust it fully. Navigating depths of despair I had assumed were long past and never to be visited again, oh but how I was wrong about that, how many new depths and new shame I have encountered in the thought, I should know better, what an epic failure, all the things my shitty committee has no issue openly and harshly sharing with myself. Learning to denounce and or ignore some of those reoccurring thought patterns, what does thinking that do, or serve? Certainly not my greatest good, yet, there they are, an array of reasons why I am not good enough, too foolish, too this, too that. A harsh reminder of the issues born out of childhood and the lessons not yet learned about EVERYONES (including myself) self worth, right to be seen, heard and acknowledged, to belong. Challenging for me to face all of these demons and feel like I am alone, yet when I speak with others they are often in the same damn boat. Why do we humans do that to ourselves, each other? I have been reminded as of late by a few really good friends that I tend to jump in, get excited and get carried away only to reach a place where it becomes to hard, too much work and then fade into the background until another something comes along. I am working on slow and steady, to stay the course and come to completion instead of abandonment. I was posting regularly and then found myself completely in resistance to Facebook, to connecting with people. It has been turmoil to rectify and own my own stuff around my life, my car, my kids, my business. Today I am 65 pounds lighter than I used to be around 6 months ago, I tend in the past to quit, especially in the summer when there are so many treats and lazy eating times etc. So, I am clear that I desire to keep on this road. I am not up in weight over the past 4 weeks, but staying the same, so as much as I would love to point the finger and blame anything instead of taking responsibility, I will honour the fact that ultimately it is up to me. However, I will take the time to notice and proclaim that I am feeling better and stronger than I ever have in my life. I recently stayed in Vancouver and walked more and lifted more than I have ever been able to as far back as I remember. I feel more capable and am finding some of those things I have never wanted to or felt capable of are in my experience now. I look forward to riding a bike with more ease, swimming, walking etc with continually more ease. I desire to do some more in my life and I know that it will take having a more healthy and stronger body, mind, spirit. I am clear that it is not a race and that I am not in a hurry to replace and change absolutely everything I do cause it is not sustainable for me for the long haul. I have felt embarrassed and frozen in the thought that I have disappointed my people. I ask my people to love and support me no matter what is going on for me, where I am in this, and how long it might take me to figure my way through. An overnight fix is delusional and I want to be able to walk through this the way I need/want to. For me, it has been challenging to know where to go with my ZIJA, it has had its challenges and I am learning to navigate all of the stuff that comes along with marketing a product through networking. I am unsure why it works for some, and not for others, I am unsure why the results vary as they do. I do however know for a fact that when I look into peoples eyes and I see the relief and or energy and or whatever they happen to be receiving in taking this product I am clear that when I see the soul ignite with passion and see the results with real everyday people, my soul responds. I want to be a part of a team, I have that opportunity here. I want to help people, I have that opportunity here. I want to be paid, I have this opportunity here. I want to challenge myself and continue to grow through all my stopping places, I have this opportunity here. I am clear it is not a one size fits all and or that this is the be all and end all, however, in the idea that there are many paths, I am also clear it is the next right step for me to re~engage and until there is a time when these opportunities fail and or are non existent, I will alter or change my view(s) and recalculate what my next right step will be then. Yes, my car has need for a new transmission, yes my weight is stagnated and standing still, yes all the $$$ I had saved up might be going to fix my car, yes there is tragedy in the world around me. Yes I have fell into a trap of self pity and despair. No, I will not allow it to keep me down, no I will not let it stop me, no, I will not buy into the idea that giving up is easy and viable, not in the long term, not when I have goals and dreams which are not served by sitting in the muck. I am worthy, I am capable, I am right for me. I am me. The only me which exists on this planet. I am a snowflake and a finger print and I will continue to honour my intuition which sends me messages always. I will lean into the things that are pulling me in right now and I will continue to caution around the things which make me wonder, caution and lean back. I will follow my own path and I will honour those around me as to what that looks like for them. I love being a part of and also love that I get to carve out whatever this looks like for me. This is my proclamation of gratitude for ALL the occurrences in my life which make me who I am, which creates my focus, my attention and my desire. I love so many and KNOW I am loved in return, all of me, the bumps the bruises, the crazy, the complete package. Loving all of you out there in FACEBOOK land. I hope you are enjoying your summer and being with friends/family doing what creates joy for you. Deep gratitude and ever deepening love and understanding T
Posted on: Fri, 18 Jul 2014 16:45:02 +0000
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