*trigger warning, I think. I know myself. My normal, old self. Honest. Compassionate. That weird, quiet, humbly artsy girl. Loving. Heaps upon heaps of love and care for everyone in my life. Undeniably open minded. Im shy, but I make friends. I make BEST friends, in fact. Im there for them. I love them. I do everything to make them feel good. I make them laugh. Im weird and dorky, I make all sorts of people laugh. Im intelligent. I am beautiful. Im accepting. Ill take life any which way its given to me. I feel good about life. I feel good about my spirit. I feel good about myself. But then I feel even better. I feel really, really good sometimes. Grass is greener. The sky is more blue. Music sounds like angels. My heart flutters. I feel like I have control over everything. I feel like a queen. A goddess. Everybody wants to be around me. Everybody loves me! Everybody recognizes my wisdom, my wit, my humor, my beauty. They are drawn to me. I feel like somebody important. I dont need anybody. You say Im beautiful? I know, shut up already. How am I not famous? I never need to eat or sleep. I can do anything and everything I want. Bad is good, and good is even better. My mind is moving faster than my body could ever. I feel no pain. I talk and I never stop talking. I laugh and I never stop laughing. This is so much fun. Im excited and Im on fire. Why did I ever cry? — And then it hits me. Like a train. No, bigger. It feels like the world is ending. Absolute horror. I cant move my body out of this bed. I cant fight this off. Im too tired to move but I cant sleep. So I become it. I become the bags under my eyes. I become the exhaustion taking residence in every little part of my body. I become the sadness. I become the heavy, painful, echoing ache in my chest. I become every imperfection my eyes dart to when I look in the mirror. My become my puffy, teared up eyes. My thoughts are so harsh. Im really nothing. Im nobody. Im not funny. Im not pretty. In fact, Im hideous. My face is so ugly its a wonder nobody labels it disfigured! I wish I didnt even have a face. Faces are so stupid to have. Everything makes me so angry. I hate myself. I hate everything around me. I hate everyone. I have no friends. Why arent they calling me? Dont they care? Nobody cares about me! Everything is revolting. Everything breaks my heart. Everything terrifies me. I cant dare leave my bedroom, let alone this house. No one talk to me. No one LOOK at me. I want to be invisible. No, I want to stop existing. I wish I were never born. This pain is unimaginable. Ill never feel right again. Im going to feel this dreadful for the rest of my life, theres no way I can go on. — Wait. Lets think about this. Maybe this is just in my head. What digs me out of things like this? Oh, right. My medication that I selfishly went off of so I could feel mania one more time for old times sake. Lithium carbonate. Ill take my three pink pills that taste like metal shavings, and Ill be OK. And I am. But only mostly. Day to day, I open my eyes, and I read my body. I do a scan, from head to toe to see who could be there; mania or depression. Sometimes I am too tired to get out of bed. Sometimes I spring up ready and intensely eager to start the day. But sometimes Im just me. Theres always going to be that cycle. And Ill always have to work my ass off to be stable just to get by. Just to be able to do the easy things. But its worth it to me. I appreciate my life. Its precious to me. Sometimes living feels like its all Ive got.
Posted on: Fri, 08 Aug 2014 03:39:14 +0000
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