week 1 of oncology is behind me. 5 radiations and 1 chemo checked off my countdown sheet. Based on my expectations, Its not as bad in some ways, and worse in others. I hate chemo. I will hate every Tuesday until its over. Chemo makes me cry. I feel broken, and out of control. I cant think straight, and it makes me sick. Not vomiting sick, just weak and incapable. I stumble around and i feel sorry for myself. I dont want to eat. I cry because I dont believe there is a better option. I make small talk and joke with the nurse while she the sticks the needle in, and then I sit and watch the bag drip into my bloodstream for hours. I hate it. I remember about three hours into treatment, I sat up and put my face in my hands to hide my tears. The nurse called across the room to Julie Anderson, asking if I was OK, and Julie told her I was alright. She understands what Im going through. I am strong in heart and body and this treatment humiliates me. If the next five weeks go like the first, I need a powerful sleep aide for Monday nights. I was up 38 of 40 hours from Monday to Tuesday- and that doesnt work. I also know that Tuesday and Wednesday will be the worst days, Thursday will be a sleep day, and the weekends should be OK. I am keeping my calories up, and hopefully havent lost more weight. A bit of the hair is starting out, although they said I might not lose my hair. Seems to me its going to exit. I can handle the pain from radiation. Its a burning sensation, and the trade off is the tumor is shrinking- offering some relief in swallowing. The doctor said the tumor was about a couple of inches in size. Not any more. I can feel the difference. So week one has shaped my expectation over the next 5 weeks. The challenge for body, mind and spirit. Im a long way off of rock bottom, so my confidence is high. I have three more days until the next Tuesday chemo. My bedroom window is open right now and Im listening to turtle doves cooing to one another... I get to see Boon perform tonight... Im going to take a stroll down along the river when I get up... Im going to see Julie return from Miami tomorrow.... Im going to enjoy the weekend. I hope you all have a great weekend, too. -I love you-
Posted on: Sat, 17 May 2014 16:01:25 +0000
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