10 THINGS YOU WON’T MISS AT A FUNERAL By Pablo Yagayo David Hockney, an English painter, once said that the harsh truth is that the cause of death is birth; I couldn’t agree with him more. As long as you are born, you qualify to die. I have attended several funerals and I have realized that there are 10 things that stand out in almost all vigils or funerals I have attended. 1. There is always a drunkard disorganizing mourners; it’s either a known village drunkard or a wasted uncle who still recalls a few English words he learnt before deserting school. 2. You get to know what killed the deceased that is different from the official report. The family doctor will deliver the postmortem report but mourners have a different report from an anonymous source. The report could be closely related to the family doctor’s report but more detailed. 3. You get to hear of the deceased’s suspected concubines or undefined relationships with folks seated round the vigil bonfire. Such unreliable information is taken seriously until the deceased is laid to rest. 4. Sometimes, kids with a striking resemblance with the deceased show up at the funeral. It’s at this point that some family members shamelessly confess knowing about the children but didn’t want to destabilize the deceased’s stable marriage with the official wife. 5.The government representative is always quick to express the government’s shock and great loss upon the death of a taxpayer, even if the deceased is a toddler. They use the opportunity to outline the government programmes before giving a hen as contribution to the burial arrangements. 6. There has to be local potent gin set aside for the men digging the grave – as if you have to be drunk or tipsy to dig a grave. There are folks in almost every area who have monopolized this role. They make you believe that they are the only undertakers. 7.Speakers eulogizing the deceased speak well of the deceased even if it’s a public secret that he or she was a thief or crook of sorts. I attended a funeral where the deceased was shot while stealing and one of the speakers boldly said that it is only heroes who die on duty. There was nothing good to say about him other than appreciating his big cheeks that had attractive dimples. 8. The deceased’s will is always a contentious issue, especially if he or she was stinking rich. Different lawyers, elders and opinion leaders usually show up with different wills claiming that each of them holds the authentic will. And mourners are interested in knowing the deceased’s last words. 9. Porridge is a standard drink at a funeral. Mourners look forward to that delicacy made from maize flour. No matter how rich you are, even if you bring all the sodas, beers or milk, porridge will find its way to the front row at a funeral. 10. There is always that one person who mourns more than the bereaved. They make crying look effortless. They scream, jump, summersault, and rip their clothes apart in the name of mourning. Some of them just cry without knowing who has died. They don’t do research before embarking on that tearful journey. I witnessed a situation where such an extravagant mourner came yelling at the top of her voice, regretting to hear the tragic news of the death of the man of the house. They quickly had to whisper to her that it was a woman who had died. She immediately changed position and started wondering who will look after the deceased’s children. They quickly pulled her aside to inform her that the woman never had children. She was in shock but trust her to continue with her lamentations. She kept wondering amidst her tears if there will be a woman like the deceased who used to prepare for her the best pork ever. Two mourners literally dragged her to the banana plantation and told her to shut up because the deceased was a Muslim. She ended up asking for porridge to compensate for her well of tears. Such mourners are usually given preferential treatment. They are the first to eat food just to calm the situation.
Posted on: Thu, 31 Oct 2013 19:40:39 +0000
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