20 jokes for intellectuals...number 19 is my favourite, but admit it if you needed to use Google to get number 12! 1. Its hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally. 2. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? 3. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, Do all of you want a drink? The first logician says, I dont know. The second logician says, I dont know. The third logician says, Yes! 4. Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide-and-seek. Its Einsteins turn to count, so he covers his eyes and begins counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter-by-one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein and stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes, sees Newton immediately, and exclaims, Newton! I found you! Youre it! Newton smiles and says, You didnt find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal! 5. A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment. They were both placed in a room, at the other end of which was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter explained that every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the remaining distance to the woman. The mathematician exclaimed This is pointless! and stormed off. The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment. On his way out, the mathematician said, Dont you see? Youll never actually reach her! To which the engineer replied. So what? Pretty soon Ill be close enough for all practical purposes! 6. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. You mean a martini? asked the bartender. The Roman replies, If I wanted a double, Id have asked for it. 7. Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, Five beers, please. 8. A logicians wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. His wife asks impatiently, So, is it a boy or a girl? The logician replies, Yes. 9. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, Id like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream. The waitress replies, Im sorry, Monsieur, but were out of cream. How about with no milk? 10. Entropy isnt what it used to be. 11. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized. 12. Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25. 13. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the others and says, Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if its funny or not? Gödel replies, We cant know that because were inside the joke. Chomsky says, Of course its funny. Youre just telling it wrong. 14. Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings, and he jumps up, shouting, Oh, s**t! I forgot to feed the dog! 15. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender tells him, Sorry, we dont serve noble gases here. He doesnt react. 16. Schrödingers cat walks into a bar. And doesnt. 17. A Buddhist monk approaches a hot dog vendor and says, Make me one with everything. 18. Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says, Youre not allowed here. Higgs Boson says, But you cant have mass without me. 19. The computer programmers wife tells him, Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen. The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread. 20. Theres a band called 1023MB. They havent had a gig yet. So how many did you get?
Posted on: Thu, 13 Mar 2014 21:51:33 +0000
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