3 years my child... 3 years have gone since I lost you... Mommy didnt write yesterday because I know my flood gates would overflow if I started... So much has happened over that past 3 years... You have a little sister and we are busy with more school and work. Darling, mommy doesnt know what to say. I dont know what I feel sometimes. Am I alright? Yes, theres a lot of love and happiness surrounding me. Your big brother Jase Lim is growing up to be a game addict of some sort. He enjoys playing games with his dad and your little sister keeps us on the toes everyday. Theres so much going on in our lives and yet, theres also so much more that should be happening but isnt. At what stage of grief am I at? I dont know either my dearest child. I worry sometimes that as more time pass, I might get used to this norm of not having you in our lives. And it is so wrong, isnt it? I have failed you once by not saving you so how can I fail you again by getting through life with you not by my side as a norm... Some people just expect me to get over it and life goes on. They are not wrong - life does go on for everyone, myself included. But no, a parent does not get over his/her dead child. Never will. Perhaps some of us dont talk about it after some time but we are always walking around with a broken heart. It pumps blood but it is scarred and malfunctions every now and then. Because every now and then, the guilt makes you want to stop that heart from pumping so well. I keep thinking of you as a BC number. I keep wondering how do I shout to the world that there was a Charmaine Lim Fan Xi who once walked on this same earth as you and me and had brought so much joy to everyone who know her. I love you. I miss you. I am alright but I shouldnt be. I am happy but this happiness feel so wrong sometimes. I am carrying on with life but what is life without you? I am still surrounded by tons of love and support from family and friends... But my dear child, how are you? How do you cope without mommy? How do you cope without all your family and friends? How lonely must you be? How unfair this world is to you? How can I ever meet you again? How is it that I never even see you in my dreams anymore? How can a mother be separated for her child so cruelly by this horrible beast of cancer? Perhaps I should try to write a happy story about you one day but darling, you are the one that is full of smiles and happiness, mommy is the one full of tears and sorrow. Mommy doesnt know how to bring smiles to others without you... I love you and I still think of you everyday...
Posted on: Wed, 22 Oct 2014 05:42:32 +0000
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